The Girl Who Loved Saga: Episode One: Makings of a Legend
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: A girl goes to Hogwarts with nothing more than a smile on her face and sword in hand.
1. Chapter 1

...

Flower Potter was the happiest girl in the whole world.

It was kind of hard not to be, as Flower believed everything in her life to be perfect. She had fantastic friends who loved to praise her, an Aunt and Uncle who let her get away with murder, and a cousin she loved dearly.

Flower had a perfect life that was for sure. And she knew the reason why.

She was perfect.

…

Flower was lying in her secret lair, a closet under the stairs, getting high off speed and ecstasy while studying for her Calculus Six final.

Flower sighed as she turned the page of her book. It was extremely boring to read something you had known since the age of four. However, she had to review to make sure she hadn't forgotten any crucial details. Which, admittedly, was kind of a joke, as Flower never forgot anything.

Flower's mind drifted to money. Dudley and Flower had already gone through their allowances, mostly spent on various drugs and the occasional Snickers bar, and Flower honestly had no idea how to make more.

Flower wondered how hard it would be to graduate high school early and get a job. It would probably be easy for her school work related, but it might be difficult to get through the fact that she wasn't eighteen yet. Flower was reluctant to admit to herself that most children her age were insane and incredibly stupid. Most of them were still virgins, for The Author's sake! Flower sighed again, and threw the textbook against the wall. Sleep would be good. She might even lose a tooth in her sleep and get some money from the Tooth fairy.

…

Flower woke up the next morning feeling somewhat groggy, yet she went outside and did a thousand pushups, just like any other morning. It wasn't until she was in the shower soaking off all the sweat, did she realize what day it was.

Dudley's birthday.

And she spent all of her money on drugs, again!

Flower was furious with herself.

Every year, she always forgot to get Dudley something on his birthday. It was kind of pathetic, actually. Flower always had to run to a store and get quickly. And now she had forgotten: Again!

Flower realized very quickly that her lack of money at the moment was a huge issue. If she couldn't buy anything, then she couldn't get Dudley his present. If he didn't get his present, he may get mad at her. And if he got mad, he might not let her share all of the cocaine and heroin that was lying in his closet.

Flower reached an incontrovertible decision. To get Dudley's present on time, she would have to abuse her… abilities.

…

DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

…

Flower ran to the nearest toy store three miles away in six minutes. She dashed inside, looking around for something Dudley would like. Her eyes fell on a Playstation 360. She shook her head and laughed. She moved on to the newest Nintendo system, which pretty much owned the competition due to the fact that it actually plays games and doesn't have a fixed bug in the programming that forces you to buy a new one after a year. She nodded.

At once, the glass slid aside, and Flower grabbed the system, looking around anxiously. She headed for the exit.

She did not pay!

…

Flower tossed the box in with all of Dudley's other presents and sat down at the kitchen table. Her aunt Petunia smiled at her as she heaped a generous pile of bacon on Flower's plate.

"Here you go, dear. Eat up!"

"Thank you." Flower said politely, before devouring the delicious bacon.

Her Uncle Vernon chuckled.

"Thatta girl. Take what you can get away with and be polite about it. Remember that."

Flower rolled her eyes. Vernon said that every morning, for some reason.

"Where's Dudley?" Flower asked.

"Still in bed." Petunia answered. "He needs his rest if he wants to enjoy his big day!"

…

After a very enjoyable breakfast, Flower and Dudley went through all of his presents, much to their excitement. Dudley absolutely loved his new Video game system ("Wait until my friends hear that I have a video game system that actually has fun games to play!") And Flower was very interested in Dudley's life size remote control tank, which fired balls of bubble wrap so hard it could give someone a concussion.

All Flower wanted to do at this point was to go upstairs and get high off of Dudley's stash of Heroin, but unfortunately, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had other plans.

"We're going to the zoo!" Aunt Petunia cheerfully reminded Flower as she was trying to sneak upstairs. "Get ready!"

Flower groaned. Like most incredibly mature children, Dudley and Flower absolutely hated doing this kid stuff.

But… Piers was going to be there…

"Cool. I'll get ready." Flower said, smiling at Petunia, before she turned and skipped down the stairs.

A whole day with Piers… Hmm… It could be fun. Where there any good places to do it quickly and quietly in a zoo? Flower could not think of such a place: She would burn that bridge as she passed it, or whatever that saying was.

...

Flower bit her lip and tugged at her collar while unsubtly uncrossing her legs when Piers entered the room. Of course, being Piers, he just smiled at her. What a fuckhead.

Dudley frowned at Piers. Flower reminded herself that Piers was Dudley's friend, not hers, and she should stay out of their way for a while, at least until Piers initiated contact. Then she would have some real fun. Hehehehehehe….

Flower contented herself to sexual daydreams on the ride over to the Zoo, staring out the window imagining Piers using superpowers to clone himself and surround her, and hold her down and rip off her clothes with a knife and try to force himself on her. She would resist of course, but in the end…

Flower was jolted out of her fantasy by the fact that they had arrived.

….

Flower wandered around the Zoo by herself, eating a gigantic cone of expensive ice cream the Dursleys had bought her. Dudley and Pier's had gone off on their own, so Aunt Petunia gave Flower permission to run around on her own.

Flower was disappointed in the lack of boys around, however. It was a school day, after all. So she contented herself with looking for areas where she could be alone with Piers for a half an hour or so. Those bushes were too close to the path. Flower didn't know the chances of an employee walking in on them in an emplyee's only area. And someone was bound to notice someone of the wrong gender in a public bathroom.

Flower was at a loss of what to do as she glanced at the lion's den.

Then she remembered her powers.

She examined the Lion's area more closely. The rock was big enough to hide behind. Flower could use her powers to bend the bars wide enough for a opening, close it, use her powers to prevent the lions from eating her and Piers while they did it, and then rush outside before anybody noticed anything wrong.

The only thing wrong with this plan as far as Flower could see was Piers seeing her powers in action, which Flower was somewhat nervous about. Flower quickly reached the conclusion that she should look for a better spot, but would use this one if it proved necessary.

Flower sprinted back to the Reptile house to see if Piers was back yet. He wasn't, so Flower used her powers to talk to the Snakes.

Flower absolutely adored Snakes, if only because she had the ability to converse with them. Most of them were really very nice if you talked to them for a while.

She was discussing the finer points of Beethoven's fifth symphony with a Python from the Amazon when a tap came to her shoulder. She turned around with a bright smile, expecting Piers lips to meet hers… But instead she received a punch to the face. Flower was slammed against the floor, and she gazed up at her attacker in horror.

It was….. ….. …. Mary Sue!

Mary Sue was Flower's polar opposite. Ugly and fucked up in the head, she went around telling everyone she was beautiful and intelligent and stuff. Flower honestly could not stand her and longed for her to get the fuck out of her life. However, Mary Sue considered Flower a rival of sorts, so she constantly failed to harass and ridicule Flower.

"Hello, you ugly, drug addicted, skank." Mary Sue said, staring down at Flower with ill disguised glee.

"It's not an addiction if you can quit whenever you want. And I'm not a skank. I do it for the pleasure, not the money, fuckface."

Mary Sue grinned. "Oh, I doubt that very much."

Flower sighed. Using her martial arts skills she was born with, she launched herself into the air and kicked Mary Sue in the face. The Sue went staggering backwards. Flower took the opportunity to turn around and remove the glass from the windows using her powers. She called the snake forth, and it obeyed, slithering quickly.

"Kill." Flower said quietly.

The Snake bit Mary Sue three times. By now people were screaming.

"In the cage, or they'll kill you." Again, the Snake obeyed. Flower replaced the glass and stared dispassionately at Mary Sue.

"This is what you get when you mess with your betters, you silly bitch." Flower said coldly. She kicked her. "I'm better then you. I will always be better then you. Telling yourself otherwise was just a form of delusion." Flower kicked her twice more. Mary Sue looked like she was trying to say something, but the words wouldn't come out of her dying mouth. "Have fun in hell, asshole!" Flower smashed Mary Sue's face with her foot, and the last light left Mary Sue's eyes. Satisfied, Flower walked out of the Reptile house, looking for a bathroom to wash her shoes clean of all the blood.

…

Flower grinned maliciously as she observed the scene at the Reptile house from a distance.

The body had been removed. Flower had watched from her position leaning against a wall. Now the cops had arrived and were questioning witnesses.

Flower was not worried about being caught. In the real world, pretty little girls can get away with anything, which is the main reason why Fanfiction. Net writers typically cannot get away with shit. Flower reasoned that the cops would just decide that the crowd had killed Mary Sue and arrest them all. Flower decided to find the Dursley's quickly so they could leave before someone decided Vernon, with his gigantic mustache and kindly face, was accused of being the murderer.

Flower raised her hand and rotated her thumb downward, giving off a thumbs down sign to the spot where she had murdered Mary Sue. She then skipped away from the wall, towards the gift shop.

Flower smiled as she noticed Piers, who was ripping apart a giant stuffed blue hedgehog into tiny bits.

"And that was for having such a shitty VA." Piers said, as he ripped the Hog's head off.

Just then, Master Chief, the world's most overrated video game protagonist, walked in front of Piers.

Piers looked up, and laughed.

"Hey, it's that guy!" Piers said, standing up. "Hey buddy! What's it like to be in a video game franchise that completely blows? You've had like… what…" Piers frowned in mock concentration. "No good games, right?"

Master Chief nodded.

"I was hoping you, Piers Polkiss, would inform me on how to become a good video game hero."

"Answer: You can't!" Piers said with glee, as he decapitated Master Chief with his lightsaber. "I'm sorry, but Halo fans are so full of shit, you really don't deserve to live. Everyone knows COD is better anyway. It has Captain Price, for the Author's sake!"

"Ahem." Flower coughed as she thrust out her eleven year old chest and prepared her sultriest smile.

"Oh!" Piers smile faded as he saw it was Flower. "Flower! Ummm… What's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up." Flower said seductively, walking slowly nearer to piers with tiny steps. "You just murdered an overrated video game hero in cold blood." She licked her lips. "Even though the fans will insist that would never be possible."

"Light sabers can cut through anything." Piers said dismissively. "If those fucks think that Master Chief was immune to Light sabers, then they've never read this fanfic."

"Hmmm." Flower said, stroking the side of Pier's face. "You have blood on your cheek. Here, let me get that." She leaned closer, and began sucking Master Chief's blood off of Pier's face. Pier's shoved her off.

"Come on, Flower." He complained. "At least let me take a shower first."

"No!" Flower protested. "I want you in me right now!"

"What's all this?" Vernon asked, as the Dursley's came into view. Piers and Flower looked at each other, flushed, and looked away quickly.

"Ah, nothing!" Flower squeaked.

"Nothing at all." Piers said, more smoothly.

Vernon's eyes narrowed.

A girl was murdered in the reptile house today. Flower, I told you to stop killing people you don't like."

"But the only people I don't like are total fuckwads!" Flower said defensively. "They deserve to die!"

Vernon sighed. "Very well. If I really can't stop you." He turned to Dudley. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, let's leave." Dudley said quietly.

Suddenly, an ANYMOUS REVIEWOR DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE INSULTING MY BRILLIANT CREATIONS BECAUSE HE CAN NOT GET LAID.

"Shot gun, please, Dudley." Flower said politely.

Dudley handed his Shotgun to Flower, and she shot the reviewer, killing him instantly.

"Maybe if you washed your hair, you might have gotten laid last year, when you were eleven!" Mary Sue snarled. She turned to Vernon. "I'm ready, let's go."

Flower spent the entire car ride home trying to figure out a way to sneak Piers into the house so they could do some hardcore drugs like Cocaine and Morphine while they had awesome child sex that fuckwads like Charlie Sheen would pay millions of dollars to watch on film. The last time Flower had gotten laid was when before school let out on Tuesday, which was nearly two days ago. She needed relief, damn it. Someone to make her feel les s then perfect. Someone who was willing to hit her, and call her his bitch.

None of these plans came to fruition, however. Piers just went home. He promised to masturbate to her yearbook photo before he went to sleep, though. That should count for something. Flower wondered when she would see him again.

Flower smoked a little pot as she reviewed her essay on why Japanese people are actually hellspawn from another dimension bent on destroying us kind hearted normal people by shitting out ridiculous technology and bullshit animated TV shows and unbelievably awful comic books, which were even more awful then their American counterparts.

She shouldn't have bothered, as all of her sources, citations, and facts were completely correct.

Just then, an owl slammed into her bedroom window. Flower sighed and put down her essay to go put the bird out of it's misery.

It turned out to be carrying a letter. Flower examined the letter warily as the bird roasted over her fire.

Dear Ms. Potter,

You have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery. You have met all of our ridiculous qualifications. Only the very best are allowed to attend our presitigous school, and we are very pleased to accept you into our ranks.

I would also like to congratulate you into being accepted as one of the Top ten freshmen being brought in this year. This means that some standard rules, such as curfew, the ban on sexual intercourse, ban on out of school visits, requirement to do typical homework assignments, and standard uniform will not be compulsory for you, as long as your remain extremely pretty and pass all of your tests.

However, you may be asked to do some work for the administration. These jobs vary slightly, but we are sure someone of your skill can handle them excellently.

Term begins on September First. Your Rocket ship ticket is enclosed with this letter. I look forward to meeting you in person.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape,

Co- Deputy Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery.

Flower was so caught up in the elaborateness of the prank that she nearly let the bird burn. She hastily yanked it off the fire and munched on it while scanning her book list.

She had heard never heard of Hogwarts. It was odd, because most Elite private schools that tried to recruit her into their ranks at least were super famous. But Hogwarts was an unknown. How strange.

That probably meant it was a Multi-billion dollar school. That meant lots of rich boys would be there. Rich guys were always super hot.

It looked like Flower was about to get laid… and love every second of it.

Suddenly, another owl came tapping on her window. Flower didn't want seconds, but she killed it anyway and stuffed it in her personal refridegarator and examined her new letter.

Dear Ms. Potter,

I would like to inform you that you are going to die in the next chapter. You see, I am going to kill you if you do not follow my instructions explicitly. Firstly, I want you to transfer all of your money into my Gringotts account. Then, I want you to drop out of Hogwarts. Or, alternatively, somehow get a scar across your face that diminishes your beauty. Then-

Flower rolled her eyes and threw the paper into the trash can. It must be the owl version of spam. She resolved to use her powers to set up a literal fire wall outside her window to keep unwanted letters out.

She munched on her owl, thinking about Hogwarts. What was this school? Would it actually teach things or just ask stupid rhetorical questions that the teachers did not know the answer too? Were the teachers hot? Flower amused herself for a minute, imagining other girls having intercourse with a teacher that looked sort of like Link of Zelda fame who kept giving them D's and C's. Flower of course was ranked A-plus. The teacher smiled at her and invited her to come back later. Hmm… That would be nice. He would have chains and whips and call her his bitch, like a real man should.

…

The next morning, Flower ate her second owl, cursing the Greek goddess of Wisdom for being a stupid, ignorant bitch. She did some crack , and went outside for a run.

She ran ten miles in fifteen minutes, which was good, but not her best. Flower reasoned that the drugs must be finally getting to her.

Flower noticed a sparkling man brooding while a emo girl pressed against him, whining into his ear. Figuring this was some kind of ridiculous stunt for some sort of charity, Flower went to check it out.

"But I want to be a vampire!" The girl whined. "Eddie, please. Stick your penis into me. Or make me immortal, I don't care which."

"You want to be a monster, like me?" Eddie asked.

"You're not a monster! You're beautiful! I want to be like you!" Isabella simpered, plastering against him, fluttering her eyelashes. "Besides, I'm really good in bed. Rawr!"

"Hm." Flower said. "This is really good acting. So let me get this straight. The gay guy is a vampire, and still in a closet somewhere. The girl doesn't care about him, but she does want immortality and to fuck a gay guy."

"You stupid bitch!" Isabella snarled. "I care about him!"

"Please." Flower scoffed. "Your body language says otherwise."

"You…" Isabella grimaced. "Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"

"What?" Flower asked, blinking rapidly. "Why are you challenging me to Moral Kombat? I just gave my opinion on what your acting was saying about your character."

"We're not acting." Eddie said quietly.

Flower face palmed. "Shit."

"Round one." Eddie said as he stepped back from the combatants. "Fight."

Flower flexed her muscles. "A pansy emo girl who can't live without a man, eh? This is going to be easier then that time I killed Navi in Ocarina of Time."

Isabella slammed her fist into Flower's face so hard it knocked two of her teeth out. Flower staggered for a moment, but regained her balance. She raised her hand to her face to feel the blood coming from her mouth.

"Ow. Shit. Good thing those teeth were coming out, anyway." Flower muttered as she got into her fighting stance. "Oi! How the fuck did an emo chick get so tough, anyway? Emo's are pathetic people who refuse to stick up for themselves or improve themselves in any way."

Isabella laughed. "Bitch." She rushed Flower and smacked her across the face. Flower was reeling as Isabella delivered an uppercut, knocking Flower to the ground.

"Winner: Isabella." Eddie said as Isabella waved and smiled. Flower jumped up to her feet and prepared herself. "Round Two: Begin."

Isabella tried to rush Flower again, but Flower was ready for her this time. One jab in the face. Grab. Several attacks to the stomach. She's out!

"Flower wins. Round three."

"You stupid bitch!" Isabella screamed. She leapt to her feet and began rotating in midair. She stuck out her leg and attempting to smash Flower into it.

But Flower was done with this shit.

She grabbed Isabella's leg and slammed her into the ground. Isabella screamed as every bone in her face was broken into a thousand pieces. Flower threw her into the air, and she landed with a loud thump. Isabella moaned as she got to her feet.

"Finish her!" Eddie commanded. Flower nodded.

"I'm going to kill you, you stupid bitch." Flower said coldly. "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, right, Low Punch, High punch, Select, start!"

The sky darkened as Flower prepared her finishing move. She pulled Flowers out of her pocket and handed them to Isabella.

"For you." Flower said with a smile.

"FRIENDSHIP. FRIENDSHIP."

"AHHHHHH. RRLY?" Isabella asked, her misshapen face twisted into something that tried to be a smile. THnx, Sis!"

"No problem. You deserve them." Flower said as Isabella made a grab for the Flowers.

Suddenly, the flowers opened and something small flew out and into Isabella's mouth.

"Oh." Flower said, her smile widening. "I forgot that was in there!"

"Wht did u du!" Isabella said, something like panic in her messed up voice.

Suddenly, Isabella winced in pain. Something Snakelike was creating a giant hole in her skin. Before long, there were thousands of them, devouring every edible bit of Isabella from the inside out.

"Oops." Flower said with glee. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" Eddie came as he came striding over. "You, my friend, have lifted her curse on me! You have given me courage! I shall now go and admit to my family that I am in love with Jake!"

"Yeah, that's the thing, no you're not." Flower said as she shoved him into Isabella's skeleton. Eddie screamed as her parasites moved onto his body, and devoured him in absence of their original host's flesh.

"Ah, murdering homosexuals. I love community service."

With that, Flower headed home, wondering whether Dudley had any Cocaine left in his stash.

Flower adjusted her sniper scope as she aimed her rifle down at the anonymous reviewers, a group of fucked up assholes who had nothing better to do then attack her for absolutely no reason other than the fact they were incredibly jealous of her perfection and ass kicking skills.

Flower was stoned out of her mind, but she knew this was the right thing to do. She killed every single one of those bastards quickly and mercilessly.

She then had really, really, satisfying sex with the one guy who praised her. His penis was over 5 feet long, and Flower was reasonably pleased with his performance.

After one of the best fucks she had ever experienced, Flower went home to get high again, but she was stopped by… … … Mary Sue!

"Son of a bitch!" Flower swore angrily. "What the fuck! I killed you the other day! What are you doing back here?"

Mary Sue flipped her overtly long and unwashed hair over her shoulder in an obnoxious manner.

"Ha." Mary Sue said calmly. "You see, Flower, I am a stereotype of a well known group of young girls on the internet. As long as one of these girls refuse to get a life, I will always come back to challenge you."

"Doubtful." Flower said coldly. "You'll get sick of being killed soon, I very much think."

"Hee. Hee. Hee." Mary Sue said. "Like you said, doubtful."

Flower shot Mary Sue.

Mary Sue died.

Flower gained 23 EXP!

Flower gained a level!

Flower learned attract!

"Oh fuck yes."

Flower walked the rest of the distance home, pleased with the results of her battle with Mary Sue.

"If she ever fucks with me again…" Flower said. She then grabbed a nearby house and threw it into the stratosphere. "I'll kill her again." Flower finished, with a dramatic flair.

When Flower arrived at Number four, Privet Drive, Dudley was waiting for her in the front lawn.

"Wassup, Diddy?" Flower asked lazily.

"Flower, are you really leaving to go to that fancy private school?"

"Duh. Why not? Lots of drugs on campus, I hear. They even grow some in the greenhouses!" Flower looked at Dudley. "Why?"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"I doubt that." Flower scoffed, as she tried to push past Dudley to head inside. But a sort of force field activated, and pushed her back.

"What the hell?" Flower asked. She leaned in to investigate, but Dudley stopped her with an outstretched hand.

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Ah, fuck you, man." Flower said as she tried to push past the force field. However, it did not appear to have any weak spots. "What the hell is this?"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Dude, Danger is my bitch. Terrible danger is my lover. Stop fucking with me, okay?" Flower snapped as she tried to use her galaxy crushing powers to break through the force field. However, it had no effect. Flower accurately predicted that her powers had teleported elsewhere to blow something else up.

Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far, far, away…

A giant orb that had absolutely no practicality as a weapon despite it's immense size and intimidation was destroyed for no apparent reason.

Episode IV through VI of Star Wars have now never happened. This means that the franchise is even more awful then it was before.

However, Galaxy battles: The Legend of Jar Jar Binks is now regarded as the greatest movie ever made. Better then Avatar, at least.

Back to Flower…

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Why do you keep saying that?" Flower asked, turning to towards Dudley. "I do not believe it means what you think it means."

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted. Flower punched him in the face. Dudley went reeling and fell to the floor. He sat up and said, with his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

Flower was pissed.

"Fuck you ! Fuck you! Fuck you!" She screamed. "Let me in the house, dammit!"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain.

Flower turned around to leave, only there was a force field blocking her exit as well.

"Son of a bitch!"

"If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

Flower belted out the Elder swear as she launched herself at Dudley, pinning him to the ground as she broke every single bone in his body, tore his muscles, and scarred him for life.

"Must-Not-Leave."

"No! No! I'm leaving! It's impossible to get laid here, there's hardly any drug dealers, I can't get a proper education so I can purify the world, and people like Stephenie Meyer are considered amazing people. Good bye!" Flower got up and tried to leave. The Force Field was still there. Flower turned around, and Dudley was back on his feet, perfectly healthy and fine.

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"FINE! FINE!" Flower shrieked. The Lightning her rage spawned destroyed half of the block. The residents looked around like something interesting had just happened. "I'll stay! Happy?"

"Whoo." Dudley said, smiling. "That was a close call. Anyway, I know it's a hard decision to make, but people at that school are really violent and stupid. You know, the typical rich kid."

"Yeah yeah." Flower said dismissively.

"Anyway," Dudley continued. "Family bonding time!"

"SON OF A BITCH!" Flower screamed. "You have got to be fucking with me!"

The Dursleys, kind, gentle, and thoughtful people that they are, are far too generous for their own good. They spent so much money on healthy foods for the poor that they themselves could not afford anything but the unhealthiest trash. As a result, all of the Dursley's were extraordinarily fat. Flower was the sole exception. Flower had last checked her body width the last time she had thrown up her lunch and she was as thin as the most beautiful eleven year old alive. The title which, of course, belonged to hers truly.

To quote the greatest fan fiction ever written, she was "Thin enough to be anorexic." That is the proper term to use to describe her thin and sexy body.

Anyway, the Dursley's were all so ridiculously fat that they see fit to go out in the middle of nowhere for a few days to 'train their bodies into shape." Essentially, the Dursley's starved themselves for a few days and then they went back home. It was an incredible weight loss program, completely revultionary. Vernon had received millions of dollars from people who wanted to know how he gets so fat In a month and then loses it all the next.

Flower didn't much like these trips, but she had learned to appreciate food a tad bit more on them, so she wasn't throwing up as much, but still, they were awfully boring. There was nothing to do. No one to do it with. And of course, no Cocaine. Ah, life was being awfully cruel to the beautiful young prodigy.

"Flower, hurry up! We're going to the sea!"

Maybe things weren't so bad. Flower thought to herself as she went upstairs to pack her bag. After all, the sea might have hot mermen in it!

Flower imagined herself being tied down at the bottom of a lake, waiting for her one true love to rescue her. However, Mermen soldiers beat him there. They would start stabbing her with their tridents, and she scream with pleasure, and then they would rip their clothes off and assault her with their bare hands. Oooohhhh… That would be so hot.

….

Flower did not realize until they had reached their shitty shack on the rock that today was her birthday. She was now Eleven, the age she had claimed to be at for the last six years.

Flower did what she did at the end of every year. Review her life.

This year Flower has:

Used 2,309,890 pounds worth of Cocaine.

Was high for a total duration of 256,390 hours.

Had sexual intercourse with 999,999,999 different men.

Number of men fucked more than once: 64.

Killed 364 people.

Fastest Super Metroid run: 18 minutes.

World Starcraft ranking: Number 2

Played No More Heroes. Bonus Points!

Read one book.

World Pokemon ranking: Number 5

Total Score: 1,384,849,938,001,234,226,878 points.

Congratulations!

You have ranked in the top ten!

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Flower Potter

If you wise to continue your ascent, I would advise you stop looking so pretty. Show some grit every now and then, the audience loves that!

Flower sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. She was not a Mary Sue, so she was not automatically inducted in as Number one. But still. Number Ten out of everybody in the whole world? Flower had to admit, that was very impressive.

But the nine above her… Who were they? And would they try to mess with her life?

Flower did not much care for being Number one, but she had no choice but to keep fighting. Someone lower then her was bound to try to kill her eventually. Might as well keep climbing the ladder until she reached the top.

Flower's musings were cut short as a giant burst into the house.

"Hi Hagrid." Flower said dryly. "What's up?

"Oh. So you recognized me eh?" The giant man asked as he sat down on the awful couch. "Nice memory you got there."

"It's cool sometimes, but other times it's really disturbing. For one thing, I can remember the day I was born." Flower said cheerfully.

"So. I don't have to explain your strange and unique history, do I?" Hagrid asked.

"Nope."

Hagrid grinned. "Alright. I'm here to kidnap you."

"Oh." Flower blinked. "That's a nice thought. But you are a tad bit too old for me."

Hagrid rolled his eyes. "No you stupid bitch! I only have interest in animals! Anyway, I'm here to take you to school without your guardians permission.

"Okay dokey." Flower said. "Hey, any cute guys at this school of yours?"

"Only the sexiest, athleitciest, intelligenticiest, and smarticiest are allowed at our school." Hagrid informed her.

"Oh, cool." Flower said, already thinking about her outfit for the first day of school. Hmm… all the boys and men were going to be head over heels for her!

… … … … .. … … … …

Flower followed Hagrid into Gringotts, which was a bank ran by goblins. Flower detested Goblins. They were nothing more then dirty racists who went running around the shoe's of great men and women and crying about how they were being bullied by other humans. The human's kindness in investigating this matter would be forgotten the next day , as the very same goblin would attempt to murder a wizard for a wand.

Flower had to make sure her tone was polite as she addressed the goblin. "Hey, jerkass. I want some money out of my parent's account."

The goblin lazily looked up and stared at Flower with a bored expression on his face.

"Does the Pwetty Pwincess have her key?" He asked, in an oddly high pitched voice. Hagrid chuckled, but stopped when Flower punched him, breaking half the bones in his arm.

"Umm… I have it here." Hagrid said, keeping most of the pain out of his voice. He reached in his right pocket with his left arm and brought out the key. "Here you go. Now, I have to go see a doctor. My stomach aches are coming back." With that, he turned and dashed out of the hall.

"Fucking pussy!" Flower screamed after him. "What, you don't want to deal with these fucks as much as a I don't want to?"

The goblin coughed.

"Oh, and you! Where's my cash?" Flower asked.

The goblin rolled his eyes as he led the beautiful young woman to the roller coaster.

"Please, please, tell me we don't have to go through the bullshit that I did in the video game." Flower said. "I had to stay up all night to get all the Galleons, and I died on the Devil's Snare because I was so fucking tired."

"This ain't no game." The Goblin said simply. Flower screamed in terror.

Five minutes later, Flower was still screaming as the Roller Coaster began to pick up speed. The Goblin was visibly getting very annoyed with her.

"For Nayru's sake, shut the fuck up!" The Goblin snapped. "It was just a joke playing on your love for videogames. Now shut up, collect your gold, and fuck off!"

… … … … … …

Flower and the Goblin left the roller coaster feeling really angry with one another. The Goblin was jealous of Flower's superiority, and Flower was very annoyed with the goblin's asshole nature about it.

Flower had only just entered the Marble hall when the window shattered. Flower dodged the projectiles being shot at her by jumping backwards, and prepared to fight.

The figure could not be properly seen, so Flower squinted through the mist that had just appeared out of nowhere.

"Ah no." Flower muttered. "Not this guy. Not now."

The shadow jumped out of the wreckage and made a stupid looking pose.

"Flower! At last, we meet again!" The shadow proclaimed.

"Hullo, Harvey." Flower said dryly. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh you know." Harvey said, twirling his wand around his fingers expertly. "Masturbating to anime characters, masturbating to teen pop stars, masturbating to video game characters-"

"You know, I really don't want to know this. If you don't want to die right now, get out of my way."

Harvey smiled.

"You owe me, Flower." He said. "You know how that mysterious stranger didn't show up at your house to kill you last night? Because I stopped her."

"What mysterious stranger? What are you talking about?"

"You see Flower." Harvey began, as he began to pace, still twirling his wand. "You're a marked woman. The people at large think I am the one who destroyed him. The people who actually matter know otherwise."

"You handle the fame, I handle the pain."

"Pretty much." Harvey admitted. "But I wasn't the one who made this decision, Flower."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing in particular. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to mock the new chapter of Naruto on my blog now. I'll see at you school, okay?" With a loud bang, Harvey vanished.

"Great. Just fucking great." Flower moved towards the exit, angsting about the prior conversation.

"Fame for him, Pain for me." Flower repeated, as she touched the lily that she always kept in her hair. "Mother, did you really have to agree to do this? What about your children?"

… … … … … … … …. …

"Hi, Flower. I would go through this elaborate wand initiating ceremony, but I've studied your profile and it turns out this wand is a perfect fit for you. It's a Wii mote with a magical core of a Metroid fang. You're welcome. That will be seven galleons please."

… … … … … … …

"Oh. Hey Flower." Hagrid said. "Listen, I'm sorry about the bank. But I got you this bitching owl, for your birthday! You forgive me, right?"

"Kreee!" Hedwig thought as she glared at her new owner. "That's my new owner? She looks dumb."

"Thanks Hagrid. What a cute owl. You know, I bet she'd be good at Pokemon battles. Her talons look sharp."

It has always been Hedwig's dream to fight other Pokemon. She was in love with this girl already.

"Anyway, I'm going to get clothes." Flower told Hagrid. "Would you mind staying outside? I had a dream about this last night. This super hot boy walked in, and I want to see if I have prophetic powers."

To make a long story short, SHE DOES.

"Holy shit, I want your cock!" Flower said, as she eyed the boy's crotch. "Please, please, please, do it with me!"

Before the boy could reply, his mother popped out of nowhere and punched Flower in the face.

"Owww… What the fuck was that for!" Flower asked angrily, as she prepared herself to fight.

The woman laughed. "Any filthy mudblood that tries to steal my Draco from me deserves to die!"

"Miss, if you're going to fight to the death, if you tear any clothes, I'd like to inform you that we do repair work as well and…"

The combatants ignored her as they eyed each other warily. Flower entered her combat stance and stood her ground. The woman stared for a second or two longer, and then she broke down laughing.

"What is that stance?" She asked, speaking through her tears. "What, is this your first time fighting with magic?" She turned to Draco. "See, honey? These Mudbloods rely entirely on brute force, instead of the intelligent refineries of magical combat."

Flower felt rage burning through her like an intense inferno. This woman was a bitch. What if her son was this bitchy?

"Yes, mother." Draco said dutifully. Flower's eyes widened. So what If he was a bitch? He was hot, dammit, and Flower wanted to suck on his cock and fuck him for hours!

Flower reached out and grabbed the still smiling woman and slapped her twice with her right hand. The Woman's eyes widened as they stared down at Flower.

"I may not use magic now, but I can learn." Flower said with a smile. "Bring it on, bitch!"

Flower threw her to the ground and tried to smash her face with her elbow, but the woman disappeared into thin air. Flower looked around, extremely anxious. She had never fought someone who could use magic before, and had no idea what to expect.

"Avada Kedravra!"

Flower jumped out of the way of a green light that just seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"She's invisible." Flower muttered. "How do I reveal an invisible person?"

"Avada Kedravra!" Flower dodged the light again, and rushed the area where it had came from.

"Over here, dumbass!" The woman called from another direction. "Avada Kedravra!"

Flower had to bend her entire body backwards to dodge this one, it soared mere inches above her head. She had no choice.

She ran over to Draco and started making out with him.

It was so nice. He was really hot, and Flower really like him, so yeah. Why not.

"No you stupid bitch! Away! Avada Kedravra!"

Flower yanked Draco to the ground as the curse flew over the heads. The woman had revealed herself in her moment of motherly instinct, and this was Flower's chance.

Flower sprinted as fast she can towards the woman with her wand outstretched. Channeling her power into it, she sliced her head off nice and clean.

Flower looked down at the head and back at the body, which was still standing.

"Huh. You know, some girl making out with your son isn't a bad thing you know. No need to, eh, lose your head over it, right comrade?" Flower asked, as she reached to pat the body on the back. It fell over with a loud thump and Flower went to talk to Draco.

"Umm… Hi. You're a good kisser." Flower said, blushing.

"You saved my life. Thank you." The boy nodded.

"Sooooo… Want to make out some more?" Flower asked innocently, fluttering here eyelashes.

"How about a good old fashioned fucking?" Draco asked.

"Oooooooooooh. I'd love to." Flower said, smiling really brightly. "Oh, sorry about your mom by the way."

"Who cares? I'm getting laid!"

…

Flower smiled and waved at the Dursleys as they drove away in their middle class transportation vehicle, known to most mortals as a car. Flower picked the trunk up with one hand and swung it over her shoulder as she marched towards platform 9 ¾.

Except there was no platform.

(A/N: LULZ. As I am a far superior artist then J.K. Rowling will ever be, I actually did my research. Rowling, you are a hack. Do not bother to deny it.)

Flower was looking at platforms eight and nine, which were side by side (Just like in real life! You see, I am a genius. I actually bother to check my facts and make sure my geography makes sense, unlike Rowling's bullshit 'unplottable' excuses.)

Flower sighed and honed her innate abilities to discover the secret entrance. She found it, and walked through.

"Hey, Hedwig, do you see any cute guys?" Flower asked casually. Flower had come to learn, after Hedwig learned that her new master was bitching awesome, that she had the ability to speak with birds as well. Flower had come to learn that Parseltounge was actually a language used by Dinosaurs back before the Titans destroyed them. As Birds and Reptiles have common ancestors in Dinosaurs, they speak the same language. Flower had never talked to a bird before, because according to Hedwig they did not like humans much.

"Hmmm…" Hedwig said, squinting her large eyes through the crowd. "I'm sorry, but I've never really noticed humans before. Which ones are the males, again?"

Flower groaned. "Come on, Hedwig." Flower cajoled. "I need eyes in high places. Who knows how many great fucks I might miss if you don't look out for me!"

Hedwig ruffled her feathers. "Well, Excuse me Princess! I'm trying my best!"

"I appreciate that. Hey, look, a snack!"

Flower reached into a boy's pocket and grabbed his pet rat. She tossed it to her new owl pal, who happily devoured it in one gulp, despite the disturbingly human like screams the beast was emitting.

"Oooooh yeah. That hit that spot. I love me some fat rats." Hedwig said.

"Hey!" The boy said indignantly. Flower turned around lazily, expecting to see a rat faced bastard, but instead, saw a beautiful boy her age glaring at her.

"Holy shit, you're really hot!" Flower blurted out. "Will you do it with me?"

"You just fed my rat to your owl! What the fuck were you thinking!" The red haired boy demanded.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Flower said dismissively. "Hey, do you think we can get a compartment to ourselves?"

"That rat was in my family for years! And you just fed him to your owl like he was an owl treat!"

"Well, it kind of was. It was delicious." Hedwig said.

"Rats are disgusting anyway." Flower said, ignoring the boy's protests. "Oh come on. Grow the fuck up. You have a cute girl who wants to do it with you, what else do you want?"

"I want my rat back!"

"Oh fine. You stupid jerk." Hedwig sniffed as she regurgitated the rat she had just swallowed.

"What the fuck! It's still alive!" Flower said in alarm.

"Can I eat it again?" Hedwig asked hopefully.

"Scabbers! Thank goodness!" The boy said as he picked up his rat, who then promptly got a heart attack and died. "What the hell? Scabbers!"

"It must have been the shock." Flower said. "Okay, can my owl have him back now?"

The boy reluctantly handed the rat back to Hedwig who gobbled it again greedily.

"Seriously, Hedwig, learn to chew your bloody food." Flower admonished.

"Sorry, Princess." Hedwig said, with a small owl burp.

"So, yeah. You got your rat back and it died, so we're even now." Flower said quickly. "So what's your name? Oh, and if you use condoms or performance enchancers then I'm not interested."

"The name's Weasley. Ron Weasley." The boy said, with a smile.

"Ding ding! A fine name for a fine boy!" Flower said, beaming.

"Argh, you are such a slut." Hedwig muttered. Flower kicked the cage.

"You know, I'm not a slut. I don't ask for money."

"Oh, that changes everything." Hedwig said.

"Anyway, let's go-"

"Oh Ronnie! Come on, we have to say goodbye to Mom!"

"Sorry, I've got to go." Ron said apologetically as he went dashing off to his mother, leaving Flower fuming.

"Son of a bitch! What a Mama's boy! Who chooses saying goodbye to your mother over getting laid?"

"Hey, it shows he's sentimental and stuff." Hedwig said, trying to cheer her new friend up. "He's a nice guy!"

"But I don't want a nice guy!" Flower said angrily. "I want what every woman wants: to be completely dominated with absolutely no say in the matter!"

"Well, even bad men can love their mothers, right? I wouldn't judge him if I were you."

Flower sighed. "Whatever. Hey, come to think of it…" She did a quick head count. "Holy shit… four brothers! Two are twins! Oh, hell yeah. Someone's getting train banged tonight!"

…

Flower banged her head against the window of the train, just for the sake of the joke.

"Dammit, why didn't you bring your brothers?" Flower complained to Ron as they sat in their compartment.

"They're not into eleven year olds." Ron said casually.

"Dammit. Have to change that." Flower said, pulling out her to-do list and jotting down her list of things she needed done.

To-do

Fuck Ron's Brothers and Ron at the same time.

Fuck all of their friends.

Learn magic!

Kill Harvey

Get back at Malfoy for not answering any of her letters

Fuck Malfoy again. He was a beast in bed.

Describe my past

Flower paused here, and thought back to the day when her parents were brutally murdered by Lord Voldemort (Pronounced Vol-de-mor, the T is silent. Anyone who thinks the T is part of the name is a fucktard and not a real fan) That was also the day that Flower had brutally murdered him. Flower was still scarred from that encounter. And she would be for life.

The matter of Harvey could not be ignored. Flower's twin brother who was raised amidst the fame and glory that Flower rightfully deserved was spoiled rotten, and Flower hated his guts. The encounter at the bank had been the first time they had seen each other seen they had parted ways ten years ago, but Flower knew about his antics through the newspaper.

"Hey, Flower." Ron said. "Back to Earth, pretty girl."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Okay." Flower said, jolting back awake. "Hey, can I suck your-"

Suddenly, the door slid open.

Flower turned furiously to give the bastard who disturbed her game, but her face lit up when she saw who it was.

"Oh, hi Draco." Flower said sweetly. "Who are your friends?"

"Oh, hi, baby." Draco said. "This is Goyle-" He gestured to the intelligent looking muscular boy to his right, "Crabbe-" He gestured to his other side towards a boy wearing a monocle. "And my girlfriend. Daphne Greengrass." He pointed to a girl standing behind Goyle.

"Oh." Flower blinked. "That complicates things."

"Not really." Malfoy shrugged. "We just can't do it anymore. Sorry."

"What!" Flower screamed, leaping up. "You son of a bitch!"

"You see, Flower," Daphne said lazily as she stepped forward. "As I have no personality, I-"

Flower reached out and grabbed her neck. Daphne's eyes widened as Flower squeezed the life out of her.

Flower tossed the body to the side and snorted. "What a stupid bitch. Go away Malfoy. I'm even more pissed at you right now. Flower slammed the door in his face.

"Now, where were we?" Flower asked sweetly, pressing up against Ron.

Only for the door to open again.

"Son of a bitch, leave me alone!" Flower shrieked. This time a Japanese stereotype was standing there. "Great." Flower muttered. "Now I have to kill you, too!"

"Excuse me." The girl said. Her tone pissed Flower off to no end. Her obnoxiousness was nigh unlimited. "Have you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one."

"Fuck you." Flower said bluntly and slammed the door in the girl's face. Flower jumped back on Ron, but the stupid Japanese girl opened the door again.

"You dirty racist! How dare you judge us!" Flower said indignantly. "Fuck off, you stupid fuck!"

"You're Flower Potter, aren't you?" The girl asked. "I'm Hermione Granger. I'm Japanese."

"I've noticed." Flower said dryly.

"Anyway, tell your brother to leave me the fuck alone." Hermione said. She got up and left.

"What a stupid bitch." Flower muttered.

"Hey, you lovebirds!" Hedwig screeched. "We're nearly there!"

"What!" Flower screamed, jumping out of her seat. "But we haven't…"

"No time. Come on, I'm hungry."

…

Flower stared at the Great Hall of the castle. Hundreds of cute boys in one room. If there weren't so many girls around, Flower might have thought that she was in heaven. Ah well.

Flower turned her attention back to the ugly looking hat. It was very ugly and not very pretty at all. Flower did not like it.

It had a horrible singing voice as well, and Flower was reminded of the concert where she had jumped onstage due to all the bad music and killed the lead singer, some girl named Justine.

"Sue, Mary!" The Professor lady called.

Flower groaned. It appeared that no matter what she did, Mary Sue would always be haunting her.

"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed.

Flower had been wondering which house she wanted to be in. Now she knew which house she didn't want to be in. She eyed the table draped with red and gold. It appeared to be full of Football players and Cheerleaders. Otherwise known as mindless morons.

Flower's eyes drifted to the Blue and Silver table. This table seemed to be full of nerds and Otaku freaks. Flower predicted that Harvey would end up here.

Flower looked to the last table, Green, and her eyes shot up to their roots. Slytherin was occupied by emo fucks who hate their lives for no reason. And Crabbe and Goyle, who had already been sorted. Their intelligent faces stood out against the crowd of black eyeliner and hot topic shirts.

Flower swore. Everyone from this school was a freak. No one worth sleeping with. There was really no reason to stay here.

Flower turned around to walk out, when her eyes met Ron's.

"Hey, Where you going?" He asked.

Flower's heart melted. She blushed, and turned herself around. Well, she could always leave after she slept with Ron…

"Granger, Hermione!" The Japanese girl walked up to the stool, trembling, and slowly sat down.

Flower snorted. She knew that as a race, the Japanese were evil and cruel. Flower had to admit, though, they were also excellent pokemon trainers. She resolved to defeat Hermione in her national sport, and then murder her in front of her Pokemon.

"Gryffindor!" The hat shrieked. More applause from the jocks. Flower face palmed. She knew she might have to murder everyone in the house if they were all this annoying.

"Salander, Lisbeth!" Fuck. This one was a Slytherin, that was for sure. Covered with piercings and tattoos, the tiny girl walked up to the school and sat down, a blank expression on her face.

"Ravenclaw!" The hat shrieked. The girl ignored the cheers of her new classmates as she silently handed the hat back to the lady and walked slowly toward her table.

Damn. Dudley was right. Flower was a bad judge of character. She resolved to never judge anyone she had never met before in her life that negatively again.

"Potter, Harvey!" Flower groaned as Harvey dashed onto the stage, waving and smiling at the cheering crowd. He jammed the hat eagerly unto his head.

"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed. Harvey bowed, and allowed the hat to drop to the floor amongst the loudest yet applause from the Red and Gold table.

Flower snorted. What an attention whore. She couldn't wait to show him for the phony he really was. Flower had destroyed Voldemort, dammit, and she deserved the fame and recognition!

"Ranger, Harmony!" A brunette nervously walked towards the hat.

Flower began to think of Voldemort as the hat took a long time in deciding with Harmony. Voldemort was once ranked third on the list, but Flower has destroyed him. Flower suddenly realized that her high rank was not due to destroying people she didn't like, but merely killing someone who was ranked way out of her league.

"Gryffindor!"

Flower was not sure how the ranking for the UKA worked, except it operated on a point system. The more people you killed, the more points you got. However, if you killed, say, a more powerful opponent, more points for you!

"Scamander, Rolf!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower noticed that this one was actually kind of cute. Hm… Cute boy, or no assholes to deal with? Decisions, decisions… But then, assholes tended to have lots of drugs lying around.

"Jo Rowling!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower thought she had been sorted already. Ugh, this was boring. She started fantasizing about Ron again. Oh… he would fuck her so hard…

Flower imagined being tied to Ron's bed in the middle of the boys dormitories. She was struggling and crying for help. But Ron and his friends just smirked and took her by force. Again. And again. And again!

"Kennedy, Leon!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Cayman, Jack!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Mario, Mario!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Mario, Luigi!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Aran, Samus!"

"Gryffindor!"

"McCloud, Fox!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Hyrule, Zelda!"

"Ravenclaw!"

"Dragmire, Ganondorf!"

"Slytherin!"

"No-last-name, Link!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower noticed that most people seemed to be sorted into Gryffindor. How strange.

Flower felt herself nodding off. The Author, all these no names were so boring to watch.

"Fantasy, Final!"

"Ravenclaw!"

Flower sighed. All three of these houses seemed to suck on Sega levels. She hadn't been this bored since she made the mistake of renting Sonic: 2006.

"Malfoy, Draco!"

Flower's attention was snapped back to Earth in a hurry.

"Slytherin!"

Flower now knew where she wanted to go.

"Weasly, Ron!"

Please be Slytherin, please be Slytherin, please be-

"Gryffindor!"

"No!" Flower whispered. The only two guys she had been interested in this adventure were both in different houses! This wasn't how true love worked!

"Potter, Flower!"

"Gryffindor!"

"What?" Flower blinked. "I haven't even put on the bloody hat yet!"

No one seemed to care, of course.

Flower rolled her eyes and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

…

"Flower, I'm sorry, but I can't have sex with you." Ron said simply, as he tried to climb the stairs.

"What? No, no, no, no!" Flower said desperately, as she tried to pull him back. "I'm clean, I swear! I just got tested like, two months ago!"

"That's not it." Ron said, as he pulled away from her. "You're Harvey's sister."

"So?" Flower asked.

"So Voldemort's going to want to kill you as well." Ron clarified. "Do you really think he'll let any of Harvey's relatives live after what he did?"

"It's Harvey he has issues with, not me." Flower said dismissively. "Oh come on! Voldy's dead! There's nothing to worry about anymore!"

"Lots of people hate Harvey though." Ron pointed out.

"Oh, that's just because he's a dick." Flower said casually. "It has nothing to do with Voldemort."

"No, it's because lots of people supported the Voldemort regime. When he got his ass handed to him by a one year old kid, that made them all look like morons." Ron pointed out. "So they hate him for crushing their organization."

"Hold up." Flower frowned. "What organization?"

"The Death Eaters? Anti-Mudbloods?"

"Oh." Flower nodded. "I remember now."

"So all of their children are coming to this school to kill Harvey, and probably humiliate you. So, I can not be seen with you. Good bye."

"Wait!" Flower said desperately. Ron turned around, his eyebrow raised. "Ummm… If I become the Number One most powerful person in the world, will you do it with me?"

"Sure. Just so you know, Voldemort's ranked third." Ron said casually. "I'm looking forward to it!"

…

A/N: I WAS GOING TO WAIT FOR THE DRAMA TO UNFOLD, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALL YOU IDIOTS JUST HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LACK OF OVERALL PLOT. WELL, HERE IT IS, BITCHES.

Flower's first day at Hogwarts was extremely interesting.

Flower first went to the greenhouses, where she learned how to grow her own drugs. The teacher hinted that magic could bring forth even more potent, non-lethal drugs to the table. Flower was extremely, extremely, excited.

Next Flower went to Transforming stuff, where she learned how to transform various objects into other various objects. It was somewhat interesting, but Flower could not see how this would help her in her day to day life.

"Hey, Flower! You're a bitch! Ahahahahaahahaha!" Mary Sue cackled as she sprinted away from Flower as fast as she could.

Flower sighed. What a moron. She wasn't even worth killing anymore.

Flower walked downstairs towards the dungeons, where she would be studying potions. However, she was stopped by a trio of Slytherin girls.

"Ummm… Hi." Flower said as she looked over the three assholes in her way. "I'm in a hurry. Move."

"No one enters our dungeons without paying the toll." The Pug-faced girl said.

"Pfft. Fuck you." Flower pulled out her wand and decapitated one of the friends of the girl. The two living bullies started shivering as Flower pointed her wand at them.

"Out of my way, or you die as well."

The girl got a hold of herself as she stared Flower in the eye. "Never! Pay the toll, you ugly bitch! Or your Japanese housemate dies!"

Flower noticed for the first time that the Japanese girl Hermione was dangling by a rope from the ceiling. The only thing preventing her from strangulation was a barrel that the tips of her toes barely tapped.

"Kill one of us, she dies. Pass without the paying the toll, she dies." The girl said, glee in her voice. "Well? What will it be?"

Flower raised her wand and the rope cut itself in two pieces. Hermione landed on the barrel, and slammed into the ground gasping for air.

The Slytherin girls, however, were not pleased.

"No! No! Please, don't kill me!"

"Please! I'll never do it again!"

Flower ignored them both as she slammed their heads together, splitting their skulls clean open and emptying their brains all over the concrete.

"Great. You got my robes bloody, too." Flower sighed. "How lame."

Potions was interesting. The teacher took special care in teaching Flower what ingredients were what. Flower was a horrible cook, so she appreciated the extra help.

Flower sighed as she walked back to her dormitory. Flower had to admit, as she had never studied magic before, she was almost as far behind as everyone else. She would have to cut back on the drugs if she were to get ahead.

Flower walked downstairs to the common room, running her brush through her lush hair.

"Oh, Hi Neville." Flower said cheerfully. "What's up?"

Neville Longbottom had his laptop open in his new favorite chair. He was propped against it, a scowl on his face.

"I'm attacking stories on Fanfiction dot net that are vastly superior to my own to compensate for the fact that I have an extremely small penis."

"Oh." Flower said, her smile fading. "I'll just go over here…"

For some reason, Ron and the Japanese girl were having a heated argument in the corner.

"I'm telling you, Sushi is far healthier then Pizza." Hermione said, her eyes brimming with fire. "Look at Japan: Highest amount of centurions in the world."

"Oh, most of those guys aren't even alive." Ron said dismissively. "Apparently the Japanese government pays people to congratulate them on their one hundredth year, and being the scum that they are, the Japanese like to pretend their older relatives were still alive, so they could collect the money."

"Ron wins the argument, because he's not a Japanese twit." Flower said, as she sat down next to Ron. "Fuck off, you racist asian prick."

Hermione sniffed and raised her nose skyward. "Oh, I see how it is." She leapt up and flounced off.

Flower rounded on Ron. "What the hell are you doing, you stupid fuck!" She screeched. "We haven't even done it yet, and yet you are already cheating on me!"

Ron lazily looked Flower in the eyes. "Okay, first of all:" He began as he held up his index finger. "We are not dating. Second of all," He raised his middle finger. "I am not interested in you, Thirdly," He lowered his index. He kept his remaining finger pointing upwards, right in front of Flower's nose. He went back to his book.

Flower began to see red. How dare this boy refuse her advances? Anyone else would have fucked by now, but no, this asshole just had to so fucking worried about the goddamn future!

Flower needed to go outside to get a breath of fresh air. Pushing past Ron, she dived out the window. Flower closed her eyes as she began her inevitable journey to meet the ground.

Except she didn't.

Before Flower could crash into the ground 3 miles below, a girl appeared below her. This girl slowly rotated her fist upwards, and waited.

As all of you fuckwads are moronic twelve year olds, you have obviously never been in a Physics course. As you do not understand the complicated science behind motion, let's just say that the long drop, powered by gravity, and the sudden stop would hurt like a bitch.

However, magic in this universe appears to have no internal consistency whatsoever, which essentially means that Flower can ignore the laws of physics just because she has magical powers.

Flower waved her wand and slowed her descent to a crawl. Then she adjusted her angle to get away from the girl's upturned fist. Flower glared at her as she lowered her legs to come in contact with the ground.

"Hello, Flower." The girl said pleasantly. "I hope you had a nice trip down?"

"It was fine, thanks." Flower said, not bothering to conceal the venom in her words. "Who the fuck are you?"

"My name is Megagamer200'smuse123. I'm the reason your first couple of chapters sucked!"

"You bitch!" Flower blurted out, although she was not entirely sure what chapters were.

Flower knew that chapters had something to do with the power of her almighty God. Flower was not quite sure what that might be, but as Flower believed in her God absolutely, she would resort to violence to ensure that He remained at full strength. Flower did not understand how her God thought at all, but surely she was doing the right thing.

Flower got into her fighting stance and eyed the girl warily. The Muse chuckled.

"Oh. You want to fight me?" She said, eyeing Flower's fists. "You do realize that if I die, the Author will simply lose what little will he has left to write?"

"I think the Author likes writing whether or not you have anything to do with it." Flower said coldly.

"Perhaps." The muse said airily. "But you see, without me, his story would become far less… inspired."

Flower narrowed her eyes.

"What I mean is," The muse went on. "Is that sometimes the author feels as if something was a good idea, and he sat down and wrote it… and it turned out horribly."

Flower was not sure what made her say it, but the words were coming out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Like those old Naruto fanfics?"

"Indeed." The Muse said, completely unperturbed by Flower's knowledge of her host. "Yes, those old pieces of trash were written for no reason other than the fact that the Author had no friends at the time."

'No… Friends?" Flower privately wondered why such an all powerful deity needed something as human as friends. "So he has friends now?"

"Not really." The muse said, shaking her head. "He's come to terms with who he is, and has realized that he generally hates people. But…" She smiled. "He likes to make up stories."

"Stories?" Flower repeated.

The Muse nodded. "You see, Flower. You are nothing more than a character in a story. You are not real."

Flower froze.

"I'm not shocked at all." Flower muttered. "Why am I not shocked?"

"You've known this in your heart since you were born, Flower." The Muse said. "Which was about… three months ago, maybe?"

"I'm not real." Flower repeated. She turned to the muse. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, my dear, you, quite frankly, suck." The Muse said smoothly.

"Huh?"

"The Author was going to write this epic one hundred chapter bonanza mocking the entire concept of fanfiction, but you just had to go and ruin it by being annoying as fuck."

"Fucks aren't annoying." Flower muttered. "I thought I was being funny."

"You aren't, Flower. I'm here to tell you that the Author is shortening your story to maybe ten more chapters. If you don't pull yourself out of your rut, then the Author is going to kill you."

"What?" Flower said in alarm. "I'm going to die?"

"Yes." The Muse nodded. "Ten more chapters, Flower. If you don't get more than a thousand reviews, you're going to die."

"I'm really going to die." Flower whispered.

"Hmmm… I think that's all." The muse said. "No wait, I forgot something."

"What is it now?" Flower asked.

"The next ten chapters will be of utmost quality. They will be longer, and much more detailed then the garbage you've been going through. However, we must rush the story quickly. There will be lots of time skipping involved."

"Oh. That's nice. So I get to kill Harvey and Hermione sooner?"

"… Events will transpire much more quickly, yes."

"Alright!" Flower nodded. "I'm going to make the author proud! The first thing I'm going to do with the new me…"

Flower grabbed the muse and shoved her head into the lake. The muse screamed as her lungs filled with water, and she drowned.

"It was your fault this story sucks, not mine." Flower said casually, as she threw the body out to the squid. "I'm going to do my best from now on. That's a promise."

Next time, on the Girl who Loved...

Ginny Weasley dies of STD'S!

Lupin and Sirius get married!

Flower discovers that she's pregnant!

Hermione commits suicide, because no one likes her!

Flower was barrelling down the highway at Supersonic speeds towards her target. Her Motorbike, The Dog Star, was roaring like a lion. Flower itself had donned her skimpiest outfit, complete with mini skirt, laces, and ballet shoes. Flower's bright pink sunglasses hid her eyes, which were unfocused and unwavering.

The Club was getting bigger. Flower hit the accelerator and slammed into the door full speed, shattering it into a bazillion pieces. A man screamed as large piece of wood slammed straight into his skull, piercing it and causing severe brain damage.

Flower had been going too fast. She caught a brief glimpse of a fountain and some men running towards her with guns. Thinking fast, she shifted the bike's wheels toward the fountain, the bike went careening into the fountain splashing water in every which direction.

Using the force to throw herself into the air, Flower gracefully flew through the air and landed right behind the guards.

"Fuckheads!" She snarled. Their heads exploded, showering the room with blood. Flower licked the red stuff on her lip with relish as she turned around and faced her next challenge: Another door.

Flower pulled out her katana, and, adjusting it accordingly, used it to slice through the door. Flower raised her hand up and knocked, and the door flew off it's hinges.

Flower grinned as she looked up at through the screen, right at you.

"Hey." She said playfully. "Know any cute guys?"

Flower adjusted her sunglasses as she returned her focus to the room.

"Okay... where is that asshole?" Flower said aloud. The room was not the stadium that the agent had promised her. It was simply a sparsely decorated room, filled with uncomfortble looking chairs. A lobby maybe?

Flower walked across the room, and opened the opposing door.

A couple dozen of clowns were standing near the end of the hallway. They stopped and stared at her.

"Ummm... Hi." Flower said. She had an intense dislike of clowns ever since she had gone vacationing with her family when she was six. They had gone to a town in Maine called Derry, and Flower had wandered off in search of cute boys. However, she had come across a rather odd clown with bright blue eyes who told her that all the little boys had gone to the circus. Flower immediatly demanded to know where the circus was, but the clown had just smiled and told her to take his hand. Flower unwittingly did so, and the Clown transformed into a hideous monster. It still had arms, though, so Flower ripped them off and tried to beat it with them. However, it simply transformed again into a giant bird. Flower had no idea what kind of beast it was, so she wasn't sure if she could kill. She opted to run away and research what it was. She never found the answer to what the beast was, but she was sure it was still hiding in that small town.

Flower had gone back to that town once on her own. She did not see the beast again. Indeed, that trip was very unmemorable. Except for that odd urge for graffiti. Flower had once scribbled

Pennywise lives

into some stone, somewhere in the city. Flower was not sure why that memory haunted her so. Perhaps it was due to the fact that she had no idea what a Pennywise was.

Flower was sure the monster had not forgotten the encounter, and had been anxious for years for them to meet again and fight. However, the childhood trauma of meeting a clown monster made her somewhat less then her usual, bold, self.

"Ummm... Hi." Flower repeated. "Ummm... I'm looking for a Mr. Spectacle."

The Clowns began moving again. They organized into a single file line and began jumping into their little car, one by one. When the last one had entered, the car started zipping away.

"Oh. Thanks a lot, guys." Flower muttered. "Cocksuckers." She muttered under her breath.

The Car made it to the opposite wall and began driving up it. Just like a Cars version of Spider-man. It was on the ceiling now, headed towards Flower.

Flower looked up as the car came to a screeching halt a few inches above her head. A few seconds passed, and the the door opened and a clown jumped out, his perment smile etched onto his face, as he raised a Shurikan.

Flower raised her katana and prepared for the blow. The Clown threw the star and Flower knocked it out of the air. However, the Clown was still dropping. Raising his sword, he dropped onto Flower. Flower slashed him in half before he hit the ground, but she had no time to celebrate her kill. Already, another ninja clown was coming down on her, and another.

Flower gritted her teeth as she slashed the first in half, then grabbed the another throwing star out of the air and threw it back. The star made a satisfying groan emit from soon to be dead clown.

Flower removed her wand from the strap on her leg and transfigured the car into a pinata. Raising her sword, she slashed through the foil. Many screams ensued, and the Pinata burst, showering Flower in a fountain of blood.

Flower had not been this elated since the time that Harvey had competed in Battle Royale. She had been watching kids murder each other on television, and wondering when her twin brother was going to buy it.

Unfortunatly, the girl she had been rooting for (Flower did not remember her name... Ebony... Tara... Gilesbie... Way?) was killed by Riku (No last name) who was a complete and total asswipe. He just wanted to kill people so the girl he liked back home would do it with him.

It was down to the two of them, Harvey and Riku, and Riku was such a fuckwad he started a monolouge of why he's so great when he was holding a grenade with the pin pulled. Harvey, despite the fact that he had not killed anyone for the entire game, was declared the victor, much to the chagrin of all the intense combat fans.

That Battle Royale was only one of the reasons why Flower hated her brother so much. Among those reasons were

A. He's a prick.

B. He's a wimp.

C. He's a Weakling.

D. HE TAKES CREDIT FOR FAMOUS PEOPLE I KILL.

D was the main reason, pretty much. Everytime Flower killed someone trying to threaten the world, or something, Harvey, always, always, always, ended up with credit. It was kind of annoying. However, Flower knew that guys hated badass amazon chicks, so maybe this was a blessing in disguise... she knew for certain that Harvey wasn't getting any.

Flower had walked for a while but had not seen any more ninja clowns. She was wondering where to go next, but then suddenly, her phone rang.

Flower frowned. She pulled her phone out and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Flower. It's me." Great. The fucking agent again. "I just wanted to make sure you knew where to go. Number Ten is waiting for you inside Those huge doors."

Flower looked to her right. They were right there. Well damn.

"Anyway, if there's anything you have to do... Brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, save your game... well, what I mean is, there's a bathroom over there. But still, your first big ten fight! Are you excited? I've read your profile. I know how much you love this stuff."

Flower didn't answer.

"Anyway, I calculate that you have roughly... fourty percent chance of making it out of here alive. I know it seems kind of low, but really, the odds are not that long."

Forty percent chance of survival. Flower could feel her heart starting to speed up. She was getting excited.

"Well, I'm not really allowed to inform you of the identity of your opponent or his fighting style, but I will say this: you can't win if you don't fight, okay?"

Thank you, captain obvious.

"Trust your force. And head for the Garden of madness."

The line clicked off. He had hung up. Flower sighed, as she sheathed her katana and opened the gigantic doors.

Another hallway. As Flower walked through it, she could hundreds of laughs.

"A comedic routine? Now?" Flower wondered. She pressed on. The Laughs began to get louder, and Flower began to notice an odd quality to them.

Ha.

Hahaha.

Hahahahahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha. Hahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Every single person in the audience was laughing the exact same laugh at the exact same time.

Flower opened the last door, and entered the arena.

The place was gigantic. Dining tables. A stage. A Balcony with a great view. It took Flower a few minutes to realize what was wrong.

"Seriously, Folks, You people are just like this Purple llama I ran into last week. It was riding a scooter, and I tripped and slammed into it. We got up, looked at each other, and started laughing!"

. The 'audience' chortled. But Flower could see there was no audience in sight. Instead, Cardboard cutouts of well dressed, influential people were sitting in place by tables. The Supreme President of the American Continents was sitting there, with his five wives. At another table, The Major, the man who was arguably the real power in the Americas at the moment, was sitting by himself, gazing at the man on the stage with a rapt, undying (because it was never really living) attention.

Flower moved through the hall, staring at the cutouts of people she had seen on television. Some she recognized, most she didn't. There was Leon S. Kennedy. He had single handedly destroyed a corporations plans to use Zombies to take over the world. Over there Princess Miciaiah, War hero of the Daeian. She had liberated it from the neighboring empire of Begnion.

Flower nearly had a heart attack as she noticed, that sitting there near the stage was none other then her brother, Harvey Potter. The Cutout was not very convincing. Harvey was not smiling that stupid smile, nor was he staring lecherously at Hermione Granger, the nerdy Japanese girl. He was simply sitting there, staring at the stage.

The loud speakers were still blaring out the HA. HA. Ha's. Flower was getting annoyed.

She looked at Harvey's table again. Yep. Just as she thought. There were her parents, Lily and James Potter. sitting on either side of their favorite son, never looking away from the stage.

Other people were sitting at the table as well. There was a man Flower knew as Wormtail, who was apparently a complete badass. He had destroyed the traitor, Sirius Black, with one flick of his wand and was now become a favorite for Minister of Magic.

Next to Wormtail, was Flower's favorite family friend, Lupin. He was the only one involved with Harvey who actually took the time to check up on Flower now and again. He even sent nice presents, even if most of them were Sirius Black's old belongings that Lupin had stolen from his house.

Sitting on the end of the table, was the mysterious, reclusive headmaster. Albus Dumbledore. Flower did not know much about him, except he was apparently a complete fuck.

The laughing stopped.

"Hey, hey, hey, kid!" The man on the stage said. "Step away from the celebrity, comrade!"

The laughing started up again, but subsided almost immediatly.

"Seriously, though." The man said, removing the microphone from his face and walking towards Flower with a frown. "I mean, really. You're number eleven?"

"That's right." Flower said cheerfully.

"Wow." Mr. Spectacle said, as he looked her over. "I guess I must be working too hard. What, they're sending kids in after me now? How old are you, kid?"

Flower huffed. "My name is Flower Crysthanum Severus Eileen Petunia Potter, and you will refer to me as such. I'm eleven, if you must know."

"Well, Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess." Spectacle said. He tapped a button on his microphone. The Crowd broke out laughing sporadically again. "I'm just, you know, surprised you're a killer and all. You seem like a nice kid."

"I like doing this." Flower said simply.

"Really?" Spectacle said, doubt creeping into his voice. "Uh... what do you like about it?"

"Oh, I love the pain." Flower said enthusitically, a bright smile on her face. "I love the feeling a get when I'm about to kill someone, and I'm exchausted, and can barely fight, but I somehow push through! I mean, It's just really, really, fun."

"Huh." Spectacle said, eyeing Flower warily. "Well, I suppose I understand. But... why are you dressed like a thirteen year old on Halloween? In other words, a 'Hooker."

Laughter. Flower's temper flared. "Oh please. I never, never, accept money after sex. It just feels so... wrong."

"Wow. Lookee here." Spectacle said, grabbing the microphone again. "A Ten year virginless kid. Let's worship her... By eating her flesh sprinkled with tariachi sauce and recycled newspaper clippings!"

Laughter. Flower was beggining to lose it. "What... the hell... are you doing?"

"Oh, you see, my precious little hooker-kid, I am doing what I do best: Being comedy's sex object, bitch!"

This time, the crowd cheered.

"I'm a stud, christened, Hardrockcock of Hyrule, by the Three Goddesses! I had sex with all three! And had children with all of them! Then we put on a puppet show using the children to kill each other for centuries! It was the best sex I ever had, that's for sure."

"Best sex you never had." Flower muttered.

"Ohohohohohoho! And you would know, now wouldn't you? You lost your virginity to an ice cream scoop, now admit it!"

"What's that even supposed to mean?" Flower demanded. "That's it. Enough talk."

She pulled out her blade.

"You're going to die here, Mr. Funny. Then I'm going to take that Microphone and make sure everyone is laughing at you before you pass on."

Spectacle laughed. "Oh, you stupid kid. Look, listen, I've killed some of the greatest killers in the world. I've been making my jokes and stories here for years, and every single time, the person who has come to challenge me has died. What makes you so different."

"I'm the Girl who Loves." Flower said. "I'm fighting for someone I really, really, want to do, and I want stop till I get to Number One."

"That has to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard."

"What about you?" Flower pressed. "Doesn't this mean so much to you? Making your stupid jokes and pretending to have celebrities think you're funny?"

Spectacle's face changed. It changed from good humor to vicious in an instant.

"I have my reasons. Now, allow me to rock you... Like a pregnant cow with a jellyfish jar."

"Dude, before I kill you. I just want you to know. You're not funny."

FIght!

Flower dashed towards Ten, and attempted to stab him with her sword. However, he reached behind his back and pulled out a giant mallet. Using this to block Flower's blow, he raised a hand above Flower's head.

Flower glanced up, and barely got away in time. An anvil lay where she was standing, right where she was standing a few moments before.

Flower had barely put her mind back on the fight before she was buffeted by a purple llama. Crashing to the ground, Flower tried hurriedly to get back on her feet.

Spectacle sat there, enjoying the show, hammer in hand, as he watched Flower get to her feet.

"You see, kid, I'm an artist." He drawled. "I loved cartoons as a kid, and I always tried to incoporate their humor into my routine. However... that sort of thing only seems to work in fights, as you so aptly pointed out."

Flower touched her cheek with her left hand. It was bruised. Flower could not even remember the last time she had even been scratched in a fight.

She was starting to get excited.

Flower dashed towards Spectacle again, but he just sidestepped and knocked her to the ground by throwing a broken dishwasher at her.

Flower didn't move.

"Wow. Over already. Too bad." Spectacle said, shaking his head in mock sorrow. "Oh, how the youth waste their lives trying to have sex with someone who's just not interes-"

Flower lashed out, grabbing her sword and slashing Spectacles legs off. He screeched as he fell to the ground.

Flower reached into her pocket and pulled out a carrot. She nibbled daintily, as she eyed her victim, a hungry look in her eyes. "Eh. What's up, cock?"

He didn't move.

"Dead of bloodloss, already? What a bitch." Flower said, shaking her head.

Then a Peanut Butter jar smacked her in the head.

"Ow!" Flower screeched. Instinctively, she whirled around to face her attacker... Only to be smacked in the torso by Spectacle.

Flower fell over, grasping her side, as Spectacle struggled to come up with a reliable method of movement. He struggled to right himself, and then gave himself made of parrots that squawked profanity when he steppen on them.

"Bitch! Fuck! Cunt!" THe Parrots wailed as Spectacle walked towards Flower, who had stood up as well.

"Well, well, well. You can take quite a hit." Spectacle said. "But you see, you're simply not good enough to kill me. Everything I can dream up, whether or not it makes sense, immediatly comes true. I can not be stopped. You might as well give up."

"What's 'give up' even mean?" Flower protested. "I swear, I tried to look for it on urban dictionary, but I couldn't find it! Is it like a bomb, that you would strap to yourself to try to kill your opponent?"

"No." Sepctacle said. "It's not a bomb. It is simply accepting the inevitable. That you are going to get your ass kicked by a middle aged man-"

Boom.

Flower hit the floor as Spectacle exploded. Pieces of him flew everywhere.

Flower stood up, dusted herseld off, and then hurriedly tried to clean her sunglasses.

"Oh, haha. Everything you think up." FLower muttered. "My god, you are such an Anime villian! Giving away your weaknesses like that..."

Shaking her head, Flower went over the fight in her mind. Too be honest, she had almost lost, but was still disappointed. What fun was fighting a difficult opponent if they had one really obvious and vulnerable weakness? It defeated the whole point of fighting.

A clapping sound vetebrated through the hall.

Flower's eyes went for the door, but it was not there where the sound was coming from. It was from behind the curtain.

The figure stepped out of the shadows, still clapping politely. "Ah, Flower. Brilliant, brilliant, fight I must say. Rather, I was very impressed with you."

"Oh. It's you." Flower said stiffly. "Hello Rolf."

Scamander ignored Flower's greetings and went on with his praise. "I say, you need to train a little harder before next time if you want to keep working your way up. Number ten is a nice spot, but I know you want to do better."

Flower nodded. "When do I fight again?"

Rolf's face fell. "Oh. yeah. Ummm... About that... The child labor laws fucked us up. You can't fight again until next year."

Flower's jaw dropped. "What! No!"

Rolf nodded. "Yeah, it sucks, but I kind of think this is a good thing. You see, the new eleven won't be able to challenge you, personnally, until next year. So if you train really hard and win a fight every year until you're seventeen... why, you could be number three and not have fought a single contender for your spot."

Flower thought about this for a second. This fight was hard. She certainly did need more training. Finally, she nodded. "Okay. Okay. You win. Once a year."

"Cool. Hey, I have my Flying Carpet. I'll take you back to school, and you can tell all your friends how fun this is, and how they should started killing people too."

"There not really into this stuff. But I'll try."

Yet it was not meant to be.

...

The following year went by in a flurry. Flower met new boys, and fucked them, and killed and ate more than one for failing to satisfy her. The world truly was wonderful, she thought happily, as she ran through the third floor corridor.

"Hello, Professor Quirrell!" She said cheerfully, as she walked up behind him. "So you know about old Fluffy-wuffles too?"

He whirled around. "Oh, it's you, Flower." He said. He gave her a soft smile. "You surprised me there."

"You're such a fucking pussy, Quirrel." Flower laughed, as she playfully pushed him from behind. "What are you doing in here?"

"Prayer, to my Lord and Savior... The Methods of Rationality."

"The... what now?"

"The Methods of Rationality." Quirrell explained patiently, as he turned away from her. "Everyone in this world can be explained by science. Did you know that?"

"No." Flower said shortly. "Hey, Professor... I was wondering if you would let me sit next to Ron this term..."

"There is no reason why human behavior cannot be manipulated, improved, controlled." He continued on, as if she had never spoken. "Humanity got to where it was by studying the world around them."

Flower yawned, attempting to make her discomfort with the situation clear. "Um. I'm not in trouble, am I...?"

"Moral humans have no need for excess food, material goods, or anything of that nature. Science will lead us to everlasting life."

Flower wrinkled her nose. She was starting to get a headache.

"We must destroy all of those who oppose us." Quirrel said softly. "They are bigots. Losers. Ignoramuses. Trolls." His voice was risen to a shout. "I don't need proof! Science will lead us to salvation!"

"Yeah, whatever." Flower said dismissively. She wondered what it would feel like to rip a man's head off before she had her way with him.

"Look at my elaborately detailed plan!" He said suddenly, procuring a large book. "Look at all these people, scribbling at the bottom? They think I'm a genius!" He seemed immensely proud of himself.

Flower looked over at Fluffy. And back at Quirrel. And then back at Fluffy.

"Do you want to donate for my cause?" He asked sincerely, as he smiled down at her. "I promise you, I will make this world a better place. All you need to do is spend an exorbiant amount of time perusing my extraordinarily bullshit excuse for a fanfiction disguising itself as a legitimate philosophical journey, by sending me lots and lots of money."

"Uh, sorry, bro." Flower said coolly. "But I need money for all of my drugs."

He hissed. "You're just like all the rest. Women are all the same."

She laughed, despite herself. "I think you would find that I am very, very, unusual woman, Lord Voldemort." She said. She reached for the sword at her side, looking up at him, steel in her eyes. "The third strongest man in the world."

He laughed. "How long have you known that I am very closely assiocated with Lord Voldemort?"

"Ever since you started chanting his name in the middle of class yesterday." She informed him. "I am quite the dee-tect-tive, you see." She was extremely pleased with herself, her blood already boiling.

"Are you seriously going to fight me here?" He asked her, spreading his arms wide. "I only have one goal here... to revive my lord. Do you not wish to test your strength?"

Flower gripped her blade more tightly. "Revive?" She questioned. "What do you mean?"

"Patience." He scolded. He turned to face her again. "Do you not remember the day My Lord did battle with you?"

"Of course I do." Flower remembered the day, over ten years ago now. "I punched him in the nose, and now he doesn't have one."

"Even then, your powers were remarkable." He said. He was clearly taunting her. "It was not enough to destroy him, of course... it was your brother that did that."

She scowled. "That's not true!" She insisted. "Harvey was in the corner, crying. Like a little bitch."

"Your brother is far, far more powerful than you, Flower." He spoke. "As am I." He reached behind himself, and removed the Philosophers Stone from his pocket!

(A/N: Okay, I know a lot of you guys are uneducated, being Americans and all, so I think I may have to explain this. You see, J.K. Rowling isn't a complete hack. She has quite the basic knowledge of ancient alchemy and other such things. In the original, correct British language, The Sorcerors' Stone was called The Philosopher's Stone, because that's what that it is. However, Americans are too stupid and fixated on celebrity sex tapes to care about such history, and so Jo allowed her publishers to change it. Like a bitch.)

Flower's eyes bugged out. "Oooooooh." She cooed. "It's so pretty..." She reached out as if she were going to smash it to pieces, But Quirrell instead gave it to Lord Voldemort.

Some things happened, and then Flower found herself lying in a heap on her back, her sore muscles aching.

"Son of a bitch!" She cursed. "Double teaming me?" She gave a soft groan of pain as she got up, looking over herself in the mirror. Quirrell had not held back... every inch of her body was battered and bruised in their incredible fight.

Hermione came in the room.

"What the hell are you doing here, you Japanese motherfucker?" Flower demanded, as she limped across the room.

"I came to visit!" Hermione said brightly, as she handed her a bouquet. "I made this for you..."

Flower sneezed. "Whatever. Where's Quirrell?"

She suddenly became somber. "No one knows..."

The Girl Who Loved cast her gaze over the battlefield. "Wow. We really fucked up the castle, huh?"

Hermione forced a laugh. "We're not exactly safe her anymore either. Death Eaters are among us..."

"I don't care about them." Flower said shortly. "I just want to kill Squirrel."

"How about training in the depths of space, like in Dragon Ball Z?"

"Great idea." Flower said, nodding. "I need a better workout regimen.

_And so, her first year at Hogwarts ove,r Flower set her eyes to the only place that could possibly pose a challenge for her... the stars. Building an elaborate spaceship made out of cardboard boxes and unused Playstation Vita's, she was off... exploring new worlds, fighting great evils... all for the Greater Good. _

_To be continued...?_


	2. Chapter 2

...

Flower Potter was the happiest girl in the whole world.

It was kind of hard not to be, as Flower believed everything in her life to be perfect. She had fantastic friends who loved to praise her, an Aunt and Uncle who let her get away with murder, and a cousin she loved dearly.

Flower had a perfect life that was for sure. And she knew the reason why.

She was perfect.

…

Flower was lying in her secret lair, a closet under the stairs, getting high off speed and ecstasy while studying for her Calculus Six final.

Flower sighed as she turned the page of her book. It was extremely boring to read something you had known since the age of four. However, she had to review to make sure she hadn't forgotten any crucial details. Which, admittedly, was kind of a joke, as Flower never forgot anything.

Flower's mind drifted to money. Dudley and Flower had already gone through their allowances, mostly spent on various drugs and the occasional Snickers bar, and Flower honestly had no idea how to make more.

Flower wondered how hard it would be to graduate high school early and get a job. It would probably be easy for her school work related, but it might be difficult to get through the fact that she wasn't eighteen yet. Flower was reluctant to admit to herself that most children her age were insane and incredibly stupid. Most of them were still virgins, for The Author's sake! Flower sighed again, and threw the textbook against the wall. Sleep would be good. She might even lose a tooth in her sleep and get some money from the Tooth fairy.

…

Flower woke up the next morning feeling somewhat groggy, yet she went outside and did a thousand pushups, just like any other morning. It wasn't until she was in the shower soaking off all the sweat, did she realize what day it was.

Dudley's birthday.

And she spent all of her money on drugs, again!

Flower was furious with herself.

Every year, she always forgot to get Dudley something on his birthday. It was kind of pathetic, actually. Flower always had to run to a store and get quickly. And now she had forgotten: Again!

Flower realized very quickly that her lack of money at the moment was a huge issue. If she couldn't buy anything, then she couldn't get Dudley his present. If he didn't get his present, he may get mad at her. And if he got mad, he might not let her share all of the cocaine and heroin that was lying in his closet.

Flower reached an incontrovertible decision. To get Dudley's present on time, she would have to abuse her… abilities.

…

DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

…

Flower ran to the nearest toy store three miles away in six minutes. She dashed inside, looking around for something Dudley would like. Her eyes fell on a Playstation 360. She shook her head and laughed. She moved on to the newest Nintendo system, which pretty much owned the competition due to the fact that it actually plays games and doesn't have a fixed bug in the programming that forces you to buy a new one after a year. She nodded.

At once, the glass slid aside, and Flower grabbed the system, looking around anxiously. She headed for the exit.

She did not pay!

…

Flower tossed the box in with all of Dudley's other presents and sat down at the kitchen table. Her aunt Petunia smiled at her as she heaped a generous pile of bacon on Flower's plate.

"Here you go, dear. Eat up!"

"Thank you." Flower said politely, before devouring the delicious bacon.

Her Uncle Vernon chuckled.

"Thatta girl. Take what you can get away with and be polite about it. Remember that."

Flower rolled her eyes. Vernon said that every morning, for some reason.

"Where's Dudley?" Flower asked.

"Still in bed." Petunia answered. "He needs his rest if he wants to enjoy his big day!"

…

After a very enjoyable breakfast, Flower and Dudley went through all of his presents, much to their excitement. Dudley absolutely loved his new Video game system ("Wait until my friends hear that I have a video game system that actually has fun games to play!") And Flower was very interested in Dudley's life size remote control tank, which fired balls of bubble wrap so hard it could give someone a concussion.

All Flower wanted to do at this point was to go upstairs and get high off of Dudley's stash of Heroin, but unfortunately, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had other plans.

"We're going to the zoo!" Aunt Petunia cheerfully reminded Flower as she was trying to sneak upstairs. "Get ready!"

Flower groaned. Like most incredibly mature children, Dudley and Flower absolutely hated doing this kid stuff.

But… Piers was going to be there…

"Cool. I'll get ready." Flower said, smiling at Petunia, before she turned and skipped down the stairs.

A whole day with Piers… Hmm… It could be fun. Where there any good places to do it quickly and quietly in a zoo? Flower could not think of such a place: She would burn that bridge as she passed it, or whatever that saying was.

...

Flower bit her lip and tugged at her collar while unsubtly uncrossing her legs when Piers entered the room. Of course, being Piers, he just smiled at her. What a fuckhead.

Dudley frowned at Piers. Flower reminded herself that Piers was Dudley's friend, not hers, and she should stay out of their way for a while, at least until Piers initiated contact. Then she would have some real fun. Hehehehehehe….

Flower contented herself to sexual daydreams on the ride over to the Zoo, staring out the window imagining Piers using superpowers to clone himself and surround her, and hold her down and rip off her clothes with a knife and try to force himself on her. She would resist of course, but in the end…

Flower was jolted out of her fantasy by the fact that they had arrived.

….

Flower wandered around the Zoo by herself, eating a gigantic cone of expensive ice cream the Dursleys had bought her. Dudley and Pier's had gone off on their own, so Aunt Petunia gave Flower permission to run around on her own.

Flower was disappointed in the lack of boys around, however. It was a school day, after all. So she contented herself with looking for areas where she could be alone with Piers for a half an hour or so. Those bushes were too close to the path. Flower didn't know the chances of an employee walking in on them in an emplyee's only area. And someone was bound to notice someone of the wrong gender in a public bathroom.

Flower was at a loss of what to do as she glanced at the lion's den.

Then she remembered her powers.

She examined the Lion's area more closely. The rock was big enough to hide behind. Flower could use her powers to bend the bars wide enough for a opening, close it, use her powers to prevent the lions from eating her and Piers while they did it, and then rush outside before anybody noticed anything wrong.

The only thing wrong with this plan as far as Flower could see was Piers seeing her powers in action, which Flower was somewhat nervous about. Flower quickly reached the conclusion that she should look for a better spot, but would use this one if it proved necessary.

Flower sprinted back to the Reptile house to see if Piers was back yet. He wasn't, so Flower used her powers to talk to the Snakes.

Flower absolutely adored Snakes, if only because she had the ability to converse with them. Most of them were really very nice if you talked to them for a while.

She was discussing the finer points of Beethoven's fifth symphony with a Python from the Amazon when a tap came to her shoulder. She turned around with a bright smile, expecting Piers lips to meet hers… But instead she received a punch to the face. Flower was slammed against the floor, and she gazed up at her attacker in horror.

It was….. ….. …. Mary Sue!

Mary Sue was Flower's polar opposite. Ugly and fucked up in the head, she went around telling everyone she was beautiful and intelligent and stuff. Flower honestly could not stand her and longed for her to get the fuck out of her life. However, Mary Sue considered Flower a rival of sorts, so she constantly failed to harass and ridicule Flower.

"Hello, you ugly, drug addicted, skank." Mary Sue said, staring down at Flower with ill disguised glee.

"It's not an addiction if you can quit whenever you want. And I'm not a skank. I do it for the pleasure, not the money, fuckface."

Mary Sue grinned. "Oh, I doubt that very much."

Flower sighed. Using her martial arts skills she was born with, she launched herself into the air and kicked Mary Sue in the face. The Sue went staggering backwards. Flower took the opportunity to turn around and remove the glass from the windows using her powers. She called the snake forth, and it obeyed, slithering quickly.

"Kill." Flower said quietly.

The Snake bit Mary Sue three times. By now people were screaming.

"In the cage, or they'll kill you." Again, the Snake obeyed. Flower replaced the glass and stared dispassionately at Mary Sue.

"This is what you get when you mess with your betters, you silly bitch." Flower said coldly. She kicked her. "I'm better then you. I will always be better then you. Telling yourself otherwise was just a form of delusion." Flower kicked her twice more. Mary Sue looked like she was trying to say something, but the words wouldn't come out of her dying mouth. "Have fun in hell, asshole!" Flower smashed Mary Sue's face with her foot, and the last light left Mary Sue's eyes. Satisfied, Flower walked out of the Reptile house, looking for a bathroom to wash her shoes clean of all the blood.

…

Flower grinned maliciously as she observed the scene at the Reptile house from a distance.

The body had been removed. Flower had watched from her position leaning against a wall. Now the cops had arrived and were questioning witnesses.

Flower was not worried about being caught. In the real world, pretty little girls can get away with anything, which is the main reason why Fanfiction. Net writers typically cannot get away with shit. Flower reasoned that the cops would just decide that the crowd had killed Mary Sue and arrest them all. Flower decided to find the Dursley's quickly so they could leave before someone decided Vernon, with his gigantic mustache and kindly face, was accused of being the murderer.

Flower raised her hand and rotated her thumb downward, giving off a thumbs down sign to the spot where she had murdered Mary Sue. She then skipped away from the wall, towards the gift shop.

Flower smiled as she noticed Piers, who was ripping apart a giant stuffed blue hedgehog into tiny bits.

"And that was for having such a shitty VA." Piers said, as he ripped the Hog's head off.

Just then, Master Chief, the world's most overrated video game protagonist, walked in front of Piers.

Piers looked up, and laughed.

"Hey, it's that guy!" Piers said, standing up. "Hey buddy! What's it like to be in a video game franchise that completely blows? You've had like… what…" Piers frowned in mock concentration. "No good games, right?"

Master Chief nodded.

"I was hoping you, Piers Polkiss, would inform me on how to become a good video game hero."

"Answer: You can't!" Piers said with glee, as he decapitated Master Chief with his lightsaber. "I'm sorry, but Halo fans are so full of shit, you really don't deserve to live. Everyone knows COD is better anyway. It has Captain Price, for the Author's sake!"

"Ahem." Flower coughed as she thrust out her eleven year old chest and prepared her sultriest smile.

"Oh!" Piers smile faded as he saw it was Flower. "Flower! Ummm… What's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up." Flower said seductively, walking slowly nearer to piers with tiny steps. "You just murdered an overrated video game hero in cold blood." She licked her lips. "Even though the fans will insist that would never be possible."

"Light sabers can cut through anything." Piers said dismissively. "If those fucks think that Master Chief was immune to Light sabers, then they've never read this fanfic."

"Hmmm." Flower said, stroking the side of Pier's face. "You have blood on your cheek. Here, let me get that." She leaned closer, and began sucking Master Chief's blood off of Pier's face. Pier's shoved her off.

"Come on, Flower." He complained. "At least let me take a shower first."

"No!" Flower protested. "I want you in me right now!"

"What's all this?" Vernon asked, as the Dursley's came into view. Piers and Flower looked at each other, flushed, and looked away quickly.

"Ah, nothing!" Flower squeaked.

"Nothing at all." Piers said, more smoothly.

Vernon's eyes narrowed.

A girl was murdered in the reptile house today. Flower, I told you to stop killing people you don't like."

"But the only people I don't like are total fuckwads!" Flower said defensively. "They deserve to die!"

Vernon sighed. "Very well. If I really can't stop you." He turned to Dudley. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, let's leave." Dudley said quietly.

Suddenly, an ANYMOUS REVIEWOR DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE INSULTING MY BRILLIANT CREATIONS BECAUSE HE CAN NOT GET LAID.

"Shot gun, please, Dudley." Flower said politely.

Dudley handed his Shotgun to Flower, and she shot the reviewer, killing him instantly.

"Maybe if you washed your hair, you might have gotten laid last year, when you were eleven!" Mary Sue snarled. She turned to Vernon. "I'm ready, let's go."

Flower spent the entire car ride home trying to figure out a way to sneak Piers into the house so they could do some hardcore drugs like Cocaine and Morphine while they had awesome child sex that fuckwads like Charlie Sheen would pay millions of dollars to watch on film. The last time Flower had gotten laid was when before school let out on Tuesday, which was nearly two days ago. She needed relief, damn it. Someone to make her feel les s then perfect. Someone who was willing to hit her, and call her his bitch.

None of these plans came to fruition, however. Piers just went home. He promised to masturbate to her yearbook photo before he went to sleep, though. That should count for something. Flower wondered when she would see him again.

Flower smoked a little pot as she reviewed her essay on why Japanese people are actually hellspawn from another dimension bent on destroying us kind hearted normal people by shitting out ridiculous technology and bullshit animated TV shows and unbelievably awful comic books, which were even more awful then their American counterparts.

She shouldn't have bothered, as all of her sources, citations, and facts were completely correct.

Just then, an owl slammed into her bedroom window. Flower sighed and put down her essay to go put the bird out of it's misery.

It turned out to be carrying a letter. Flower examined the letter warily as the bird roasted over her fire.

Dear Ms. Potter,

You have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery. You have met all of our ridiculous qualifications. Only the very best are allowed to attend our presitigous school, and we are very pleased to accept you into our ranks.

I would also like to congratulate you into being accepted as one of the Top ten freshmen being brought in this year. This means that some standard rules, such as curfew, the ban on sexual intercourse, ban on out of school visits, requirement to do typical homework assignments, and standard uniform will not be compulsory for you, as long as your remain extremely pretty and pass all of your tests.

However, you may be asked to do some work for the administration. These jobs vary slightly, but we are sure someone of your skill can handle them excellently.

Term begins on September First. Your Rocket ship ticket is enclosed with this letter. I look forward to meeting you in person.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape,

Co- Deputy Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery.

Flower was so caught up in the elaborateness of the prank that she nearly let the bird burn. She hastily yanked it off the fire and munched on it while scanning her book list.

She had heard never heard of Hogwarts. It was odd, because most Elite private schools that tried to recruit her into their ranks at least were super famous. But Hogwarts was an unknown. How strange.

That probably meant it was a Multi-billion dollar school. That meant lots of rich boys would be there. Rich guys were always super hot.

It looked like Flower was about to get laid… and love every second of it.

Suddenly, another owl came tapping on her window. Flower didn't want seconds, but she killed it anyway and stuffed it in her personal refridegarator and examined her new letter.

Dear Ms. Potter,

I would like to inform you that you are going to die in the next chapter. You see, I am going to kill you if you do not follow my instructions explicitly. Firstly, I want you to transfer all of your money into my Gringotts account. Then, I want you to drop out of Hogwarts. Or, alternatively, somehow get a scar across your face that diminishes your beauty. Then-

Flower rolled her eyes and threw the paper into the trash can. It must be the owl version of spam. She resolved to use her powers to set up a literal fire wall outside her window to keep unwanted letters out.

She munched on her owl, thinking about Hogwarts. What was this school? Would it actually teach things or just ask stupid rhetorical questions that the teachers did not know the answer too? Were the teachers hot? Flower amused herself for a minute, imagining other girls having intercourse with a teacher that looked sort of like Link of Zelda fame who kept giving them D's and C's. Flower of course was ranked A-plus. The teacher smiled at her and invited her to come back later. Hmm… That would be nice. He would have chains and whips and call her his bitch, like a real man should.

…

The next morning, Flower ate her second owl, cursing the Greek goddess of Wisdom for being a stupid, ignorant bitch. She did some crack , and went outside for a run.

She ran ten miles in fifteen minutes, which was good, but not her best. Flower reasoned that the drugs must be finally getting to her.

Flower noticed a sparkling man brooding while a emo girl pressed against him, whining into his ear. Figuring this was some kind of ridiculous stunt for some sort of charity, Flower went to check it out.

"But I want to be a vampire!" The girl whined. "Eddie, please. Stick your penis into me. Or make me immortal, I don't care which."

"You want to be a monster, like me?" Eddie asked.

"You're not a monster! You're beautiful! I want to be like you!" Isabella simpered, plastering against him, fluttering her eyelashes. "Besides, I'm really good in bed. Rawr!"

"Hm." Flower said. "This is really good acting. So let me get this straight. The gay guy is a vampire, and still in a closet somewhere. The girl doesn't care about him, but she does want immortality and to fuck a gay guy."

"You stupid bitch!" Isabella snarled. "I care about him!"

"Please." Flower scoffed. "Your body language says otherwise."

"You…" Isabella grimaced. "Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"

"What?" Flower asked, blinking rapidly. "Why are you challenging me to Moral Kombat? I just gave my opinion on what your acting was saying about your character."

"We're not acting." Eddie said quietly.

Flower face palmed. "Shit."

"Round one." Eddie said as he stepped back from the combatants. "Fight."

Flower flexed her muscles. "A pansy emo girl who can't live without a man, eh? This is going to be easier then that time I killed Navi in Ocarina of Time."

Isabella slammed her fist into Flower's face so hard it knocked two of her teeth out. Flower staggered for a moment, but regained her balance. She raised her hand to her face to feel the blood coming from her mouth.

"Ow. Shit. Good thing those teeth were coming out, anyway." Flower muttered as she got into her fighting stance. "Oi! How the fuck did an emo chick get so tough, anyway? Emo's are pathetic people who refuse to stick up for themselves or improve themselves in any way."

Isabella laughed. "Bitch." She rushed Flower and smacked her across the face. Flower was reeling as Isabella delivered an uppercut, knocking Flower to the ground.

"Winner: Isabella." Eddie said as Isabella waved and smiled. Flower jumped up to her feet and prepared herself. "Round Two: Begin."

Isabella tried to rush Flower again, but Flower was ready for her this time. One jab in the face. Grab. Several attacks to the stomach. She's out!

"Flower wins. Round three."

"You stupid bitch!" Isabella screamed. She leapt to her feet and began rotating in midair. She stuck out her leg and attempting to smash Flower into it.

But Flower was done with this shit.

She grabbed Isabella's leg and slammed her into the ground. Isabella screamed as every bone in her face was broken into a thousand pieces. Flower threw her into the air, and she landed with a loud thump. Isabella moaned as she got to her feet.

"Finish her!" Eddie commanded. Flower nodded.

"I'm going to kill you, you stupid bitch." Flower said coldly. "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, right, Low Punch, High punch, Select, start!"

The sky darkened as Flower prepared her finishing move. She pulled Flowers out of her pocket and handed them to Isabella.

"For you." Flower said with a smile.

"FRIENDSHIP. FRIENDSHIP."

"AHHHHHH. RRLY?" Isabella asked, her misshapen face twisted into something that tried to be a smile. THnx, Sis!"

"No problem. You deserve them." Flower said as Isabella made a grab for the Flowers.

Suddenly, the flowers opened and something small flew out and into Isabella's mouth.

"Oh." Flower said, her smile widening. "I forgot that was in there!"

"Wht did u du!" Isabella said, something like panic in her messed up voice.

Suddenly, Isabella winced in pain. Something Snakelike was creating a giant hole in her skin. Before long, there were thousands of them, devouring every edible bit of Isabella from the inside out.

"Oops." Flower said with glee. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" Eddie came as he came striding over. "You, my friend, have lifted her curse on me! You have given me courage! I shall now go and admit to my family that I am in love with Jake!"

"Yeah, that's the thing, no you're not." Flower said as she shoved him into Isabella's skeleton. Eddie screamed as her parasites moved onto his body, and devoured him in absence of their original host's flesh.

"Ah, murdering homosexuals. I love community service."

With that, Flower headed home, wondering whether Dudley had any Cocaine left in his stash.

Flower adjusted her sniper scope as she aimed her rifle down at the anonymous reviewers, a group of fucked up assholes who had nothing better to do then attack her for absolutely no reason other than the fact they were incredibly jealous of her perfection and ass kicking skills.

Flower was stoned out of her mind, but she knew this was the right thing to do. She killed every single one of those bastards quickly and mercilessly.

She then had really, really, satisfying sex with the one guy who praised her. His penis was over 5 feet long, and Flower was reasonably pleased with his performance.

After one of the best fucks she had ever experienced, Flower went home to get high again, but she was stopped by… … … Mary Sue!

"Son of a bitch!" Flower swore angrily. "What the fuck! I killed you the other day! What are you doing back here?"

Mary Sue flipped her overtly long and unwashed hair over her shoulder in an obnoxious manner.

"Ha." Mary Sue said calmly. "You see, Flower, I am a stereotype of a well known group of young girls on the internet. As long as one of these girls refuse to get a life, I will always come back to challenge you."

"Doubtful." Flower said coldly. "You'll get sick of being killed soon, I very much think."

"Hee. Hee. Hee." Mary Sue said. "Like you said, doubtful."

Flower shot Mary Sue.

Mary Sue died.

Flower gained 23 EXP!

Flower gained a level!

Flower learned attract!

"Oh fuck yes."

Flower walked the rest of the distance home, pleased with the results of her battle with Mary Sue.

"If she ever fucks with me again…" Flower said. She then grabbed a nearby house and threw it into the stratosphere. "I'll kill her again." Flower finished, with a dramatic flair.

When Flower arrived at Number four, Privet Drive, Dudley was waiting for her in the front lawn.

"Wassup, Diddy?" Flower asked lazily.

"Flower, are you really leaving to go to that fancy private school?"

"Duh. Why not? Lots of drugs on campus, I hear. They even grow some in the greenhouses!" Flower looked at Dudley. "Why?"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"I doubt that." Flower scoffed, as she tried to push past Dudley to head inside. But a sort of force field activated, and pushed her back.

"What the hell?" Flower asked. She leaned in to investigate, but Dudley stopped her with an outstretched hand.

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Ah, fuck you, man." Flower said as she tried to push past the force field. However, it did not appear to have any weak spots. "What the hell is this?"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Dude, Danger is my bitch. Terrible danger is my lover. Stop fucking with me, okay?" Flower snapped as she tried to use her galaxy crushing powers to break through the force field. However, it had no effect. Flower accurately predicted that her powers had teleported elsewhere to blow something else up.

Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far, far, away…

A giant orb that had absolutely no practicality as a weapon despite it's immense size and intimidation was destroyed for no apparent reason.

Episode IV through VI of Star Wars have now never happened. This means that the franchise is even more awful then it was before.

However, Galaxy battles: The Legend of Jar Jar Binks is now regarded as the greatest movie ever made. Better then Avatar, at least.

Back to Flower…

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"Why do you keep saying that?" Flower asked, turning to towards Dudley. "I do not believe it means what you think it means."

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted. Flower punched him in the face. Dudley went reeling and fell to the floor. He sat up and said, with his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

Flower was pissed.

"Fuck you ! Fuck you! Fuck you!" She screamed. "Let me in the house, dammit!"

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain.

Flower turned around to leave, only there was a force field blocking her exit as well.

"Son of a bitch!"

"If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

Flower belted out the Elder swear as she launched herself at Dudley, pinning him to the ground as she broke every single bone in his body, tore his muscles, and scarred him for life.

"Must-Not-Leave."

"No! No! I'm leaving! It's impossible to get laid here, there's hardly any drug dealers, I can't get a proper education so I can purify the world, and people like Stephenie Meyer are considered amazing people. Good bye!" Flower got up and tried to leave. The Force Field was still there. Flower turned around, and Dudley was back on his feet, perfectly healthy and fine.

"Flower, you must not leave!" Dudley insisted, his voice cracking with strain. "If you leave, you will be in terrible danger!"

"FINE! FINE!" Flower shrieked. The Lightning her rage spawned destroyed half of the block. The residents looked around like something interesting had just happened. "I'll stay! Happy?"

"Whoo." Dudley said, smiling. "That was a close call. Anyway, I know it's a hard decision to make, but people at that school are really violent and stupid. You know, the typical rich kid."

"Yeah yeah." Flower said dismissively.

"Anyway," Dudley continued. "Family bonding time!"

"SON OF A BITCH!" Flower screamed. "You have got to be fucking with me!"

The Dursleys, kind, gentle, and thoughtful people that they are, are far too generous for their own good. They spent so much money on healthy foods for the poor that they themselves could not afford anything but the unhealthiest trash. As a result, all of the Dursley's were extraordinarily fat. Flower was the sole exception. Flower had last checked her body width the last time she had thrown up her lunch and she was as thin as the most beautiful eleven year old alive. The title which, of course, belonged to hers truly.

To quote the greatest fan fiction ever written, she was "Thin enough to be anorexic." That is the proper term to use to describe her thin and sexy body.

Anyway, the Dursley's were all so ridiculously fat that they see fit to go out in the middle of nowhere for a few days to 'train their bodies into shape." Essentially, the Dursley's starved themselves for a few days and then they went back home. It was an incredible weight loss program, completely revultionary. Vernon had received millions of dollars from people who wanted to know how he gets so fat In a month and then loses it all the next.

Flower didn't much like these trips, but she had learned to appreciate food a tad bit more on them, so she wasn't throwing up as much, but still, they were awfully boring. There was nothing to do. No one to do it with. And of course, no Cocaine. Ah, life was being awfully cruel to the beautiful young prodigy.

"Flower, hurry up! We're going to the sea!"

Maybe things weren't so bad. Flower thought to herself as she went upstairs to pack her bag. After all, the sea might have hot mermen in it!

Flower imagined herself being tied down at the bottom of a lake, waiting for her one true love to rescue her. However, Mermen soldiers beat him there. They would start stabbing her with their tridents, and she scream with pleasure, and then they would rip their clothes off and assault her with their bare hands. Oooohhhh… That would be so hot.

….

Flower did not realize until they had reached their shitty shack on the rock that today was her birthday. She was now Eleven, the age she had claimed to be at for the last six years.

Flower did what she did at the end of every year. Review her life.

This year Flower has:

Used 2,309,890 pounds worth of Cocaine.

Was high for a total duration of 256,390 hours.

Had sexual intercourse with 999,999,999 different men.

Number of men fucked more than once: 64.

Killed 364 people.

Fastest Super Metroid run: 18 minutes.

World Starcraft ranking: Number 2

Played No More Heroes. Bonus Points!

Read one book.

World Pokemon ranking: Number 5

Total Score: 1,384,849,938,001,234,226,878 points.

Congratulations!

You have ranked in the top ten!

… … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … …

…. … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … … …

… … … … … … … …

Flower Potter

If you wise to continue your ascent, I would advise you stop looking so pretty. Show some grit every now and then, the audience loves that!

Flower sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. She was not a Mary Sue, so she was not automatically inducted in as Number one. But still. Number Ten out of everybody in the whole world? Flower had to admit, that was very impressive.

But the nine above her… Who were they? And would they try to mess with her life?

Flower did not much care for being Number one, but she had no choice but to keep fighting. Someone lower then her was bound to try to kill her eventually. Might as well keep climbing the ladder until she reached the top.

Flower's musings were cut short as a giant burst into the house.

"Hi Hagrid." Flower said dryly. "What's up?

"Oh. So you recognized me eh?" The giant man asked as he sat down on the awful couch. "Nice memory you got there."

"It's cool sometimes, but other times it's really disturbing. For one thing, I can remember the day I was born." Flower said cheerfully.

"So. I don't have to explain your strange and unique history, do I?" Hagrid asked.

"Nope."

Hagrid grinned. "Alright. I'm here to kidnap you."

"Oh." Flower blinked. "That's a nice thought. But you are a tad bit too old for me."

Hagrid rolled his eyes. "No you stupid bitch! I only have interest in animals! Anyway, I'm here to take you to school without your guardians permission.

"Okay dokey." Flower said. "Hey, any cute guys at this school of yours?"

"Only the sexiest, athleitciest, intelligenticiest, and smarticiest are allowed at our school." Hagrid informed her.

"Oh, cool." Flower said, already thinking about her outfit for the first day of school. Hmm… all the boys and men were going to be head over heels for her!

… … … … .. … … … …

Flower followed Hagrid into Gringotts, which was a bank ran by goblins. Flower detested Goblins. They were nothing more then dirty racists who went running around the shoe's of great men and women and crying about how they were being bullied by other humans. The human's kindness in investigating this matter would be forgotten the next day , as the very same goblin would attempt to murder a wizard for a wand.

Flower had to make sure her tone was polite as she addressed the goblin. "Hey, jerkass. I want some money out of my parent's account."

The goblin lazily looked up and stared at Flower with a bored expression on his face.

"Does the Pwetty Pwincess have her key?" He asked, in an oddly high pitched voice. Hagrid chuckled, but stopped when Flower punched him, breaking half the bones in his arm.

"Umm… I have it here." Hagrid said, keeping most of the pain out of his voice. He reached in his right pocket with his left arm and brought out the key. "Here you go. Now, I have to go see a doctor. My stomach aches are coming back." With that, he turned and dashed out of the hall.

"Fucking pussy!" Flower screamed after him. "What, you don't want to deal with these fucks as much as a I don't want to?"

The goblin coughed.

"Oh, and you! Where's my cash?" Flower asked.

The goblin rolled his eyes as he led the beautiful young woman to the roller coaster.

"Please, please, tell me we don't have to go through the bullshit that I did in the video game." Flower said. "I had to stay up all night to get all the Galleons, and I died on the Devil's Snare because I was so fucking tired."

"This ain't no game." The Goblin said simply. Flower screamed in terror.

Five minutes later, Flower was still screaming as the Roller Coaster began to pick up speed. The Goblin was visibly getting very annoyed with her.

"For Nayru's sake, shut the fuck up!" The Goblin snapped. "It was just a joke playing on your love for videogames. Now shut up, collect your gold, and fuck off!"

… … … … … …

Flower and the Goblin left the roller coaster feeling really angry with one another. The Goblin was jealous of Flower's superiority, and Flower was very annoyed with the goblin's asshole nature about it.

Flower had only just entered the Marble hall when the window shattered. Flower dodged the projectiles being shot at her by jumping backwards, and prepared to fight.

The figure could not be properly seen, so Flower squinted through the mist that had just appeared out of nowhere.

"Ah no." Flower muttered. "Not this guy. Not now."

The shadow jumped out of the wreckage and made a stupid looking pose.

"Flower! At last, we meet again!" The shadow proclaimed.

"Hullo, Harvey." Flower said dryly. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh you know." Harvey said, twirling his wand around his fingers expertly. "Masturbating to anime characters, masturbating to teen pop stars, masturbating to video game characters-"

"You know, I really don't want to know this. If you don't want to die right now, get out of my way."

Harvey smiled.

"You owe me, Flower." He said. "You know how that mysterious stranger didn't show up at your house to kill you last night? Because I stopped her."

"What mysterious stranger? What are you talking about?"

"You see Flower." Harvey began, as he began to pace, still twirling his wand. "You're a marked woman. The people at large think I am the one who destroyed him. The people who actually matter know otherwise."

"You handle the fame, I handle the pain."

"Pretty much." Harvey admitted. "But I wasn't the one who made this decision, Flower."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing in particular. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to mock the new chapter of Naruto on my blog now. I'll see at you school, okay?" With a loud bang, Harvey vanished.

"Great. Just fucking great." Flower moved towards the exit, angsting about the prior conversation.

"Fame for him, Pain for me." Flower repeated, as she touched the lily that she always kept in her hair. "Mother, did you really have to agree to do this? What about your children?"

… … … … … … … …. …

"Hi, Flower. I would go through this elaborate wand initiating ceremony, but I've studied your profile and it turns out this wand is a perfect fit for you. It's a Wii mote with a magical core of a Metroid fang. You're welcome. That will be seven galleons please."

… … … … … … …

"Oh. Hey Flower." Hagrid said. "Listen, I'm sorry about the bank. But I got you this bitching owl, for your birthday! You forgive me, right?"

"Kreee!" Hedwig thought as she glared at her new owner. "That's my new owner? She looks dumb."

"Thanks Hagrid. What a cute owl. You know, I bet she'd be good at Pokemon battles. Her talons look sharp."

It has always been Hedwig's dream to fight other Pokemon. She was in love with this girl already.

"Anyway, I'm going to get clothes." Flower told Hagrid. "Would you mind staying outside? I had a dream about this last night. This super hot boy walked in, and I want to see if I have prophetic powers."

To make a long story short, SHE DOES.

"Holy shit, I want your cock!" Flower said, as she eyed the boy's crotch. "Please, please, please, do it with me!"

Before the boy could reply, his mother popped out of nowhere and punched Flower in the face.

"Owww… What the fuck was that for!" Flower asked angrily, as she prepared herself to fight.

The woman laughed. "Any filthy mudblood that tries to steal my Draco from me deserves to die!"

"Miss, if you're going to fight to the death, if you tear any clothes, I'd like to inform you that we do repair work as well and…"

The combatants ignored her as they eyed each other warily. Flower entered her combat stance and stood her ground. The woman stared for a second or two longer, and then she broke down laughing.

"What is that stance?" She asked, speaking through her tears. "What, is this your first time fighting with magic?" She turned to Draco. "See, honey? These Mudbloods rely entirely on brute force, instead of the intelligent refineries of magical combat."

Flower felt rage burning through her like an intense inferno. This woman was a bitch. What if her son was this bitchy?

"Yes, mother." Draco said dutifully. Flower's eyes widened. So what If he was a bitch? He was hot, dammit, and Flower wanted to suck on his cock and fuck him for hours!

Flower reached out and grabbed the still smiling woman and slapped her twice with her right hand. The Woman's eyes widened as they stared down at Flower.

"I may not use magic now, but I can learn." Flower said with a smile. "Bring it on, bitch!"

Flower threw her to the ground and tried to smash her face with her elbow, but the woman disappeared into thin air. Flower looked around, extremely anxious. She had never fought someone who could use magic before, and had no idea what to expect.

"Avada Kedravra!"

Flower jumped out of the way of a green light that just seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"She's invisible." Flower muttered. "How do I reveal an invisible person?"

"Avada Kedravra!" Flower dodged the light again, and rushed the area where it had came from.

"Over here, dumbass!" The woman called from another direction. "Avada Kedravra!"

Flower had to bend her entire body backwards to dodge this one, it soared mere inches above her head. She had no choice.

She ran over to Draco and started making out with him.

It was so nice. He was really hot, and Flower really like him, so yeah. Why not.

"No you stupid bitch! Away! Avada Kedravra!"

Flower yanked Draco to the ground as the curse flew over the heads. The woman had revealed herself in her moment of motherly instinct, and this was Flower's chance.

Flower sprinted as fast she can towards the woman with her wand outstretched. Channeling her power into it, she sliced her head off nice and clean.

Flower looked down at the head and back at the body, which was still standing.

"Huh. You know, some girl making out with your son isn't a bad thing you know. No need to, eh, lose your head over it, right comrade?" Flower asked, as she reached to pat the body on the back. It fell over with a loud thump and Flower went to talk to Draco.

"Umm… Hi. You're a good kisser." Flower said, blushing.

"You saved my life. Thank you." The boy nodded.

"Sooooo… Want to make out some more?" Flower asked innocently, fluttering here eyelashes.

"How about a good old fashioned fucking?" Draco asked.

"Oooooooooooh. I'd love to." Flower said, smiling really brightly. "Oh, sorry about your mom by the way."

"Who cares? I'm getting laid!"

…

Flower smiled and waved at the Dursleys as they drove away in their middle class transportation vehicle, known to most mortals as a car. Flower picked the trunk up with one hand and swung it over her shoulder as she marched towards platform 9 ¾.

Except there was no platform.

(A/N: LULZ. As I am a far superior artist then J.K. Rowling will ever be, I actually did my research. Rowling, you are a hack. Do not bother to deny it.)

Flower was looking at platforms eight and nine, which were side by side (Just like in real life! You see, I am a genius. I actually bother to check my facts and make sure my geography makes sense, unlike Rowling's bullshit 'unplottable' excuses.)

Flower sighed and honed her innate abilities to discover the secret entrance. She found it, and walked through.

"Hey, Hedwig, do you see any cute guys?" Flower asked casually. Flower had come to learn, after Hedwig learned that her new master was bitching awesome, that she had the ability to speak with birds as well. Flower had come to learn that Parseltounge was actually a language used by Dinosaurs back before the Titans destroyed them. As Birds and Reptiles have common ancestors in Dinosaurs, they speak the same language. Flower had never talked to a bird before, because according to Hedwig they did not like humans much.

"Hmmm…" Hedwig said, squinting her large eyes through the crowd. "I'm sorry, but I've never really noticed humans before. Which ones are the males, again?"

Flower groaned. "Come on, Hedwig." Flower cajoled. "I need eyes in high places. Who knows how many great fucks I might miss if you don't look out for me!"

Hedwig ruffled her feathers. "Well, Excuse me Princess! I'm trying my best!"

"I appreciate that. Hey, look, a snack!"

Flower reached into a boy's pocket and grabbed his pet rat. She tossed it to her new owl pal, who happily devoured it in one gulp, despite the disturbingly human like screams the beast was emitting.

"Oooooh yeah. That hit that spot. I love me some fat rats." Hedwig said.

"Hey!" The boy said indignantly. Flower turned around lazily, expecting to see a rat faced bastard, but instead, saw a beautiful boy her age glaring at her.

"Holy shit, you're really hot!" Flower blurted out. "Will you do it with me?"

"You just fed my rat to your owl! What the fuck were you thinking!" The red haired boy demanded.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Flower said dismissively. "Hey, do you think we can get a compartment to ourselves?"

"That rat was in my family for years! And you just fed him to your owl like he was an owl treat!"

"Well, it kind of was. It was delicious." Hedwig said.

"Rats are disgusting anyway." Flower said, ignoring the boy's protests. "Oh come on. Grow the fuck up. You have a cute girl who wants to do it with you, what else do you want?"

"I want my rat back!"

"Oh fine. You stupid jerk." Hedwig sniffed as she regurgitated the rat she had just swallowed.

"What the fuck! It's still alive!" Flower said in alarm.

"Can I eat it again?" Hedwig asked hopefully.

"Scabbers! Thank goodness!" The boy said as he picked up his rat, who then promptly got a heart attack and died. "What the hell? Scabbers!"

"It must have been the shock." Flower said. "Okay, can my owl have him back now?"

The boy reluctantly handed the rat back to Hedwig who gobbled it again greedily.

"Seriously, Hedwig, learn to chew your bloody food." Flower admonished.

"Sorry, Princess." Hedwig said, with a small owl burp.

"So, yeah. You got your rat back and it died, so we're even now." Flower said quickly. "So what's your name? Oh, and if you use condoms or performance enchancers then I'm not interested."

"The name's Weasley. Ron Weasley." The boy said, with a smile.

"Ding ding! A fine name for a fine boy!" Flower said, beaming.

"Argh, you are such a slut." Hedwig muttered. Flower kicked the cage.

"You know, I'm not a slut. I don't ask for money."

"Oh, that changes everything." Hedwig said.

"Anyway, let's go-"

"Oh Ronnie! Come on, we have to say goodbye to Mom!"

"Sorry, I've got to go." Ron said apologetically as he went dashing off to his mother, leaving Flower fuming.

"Son of a bitch! What a Mama's boy! Who chooses saying goodbye to your mother over getting laid?"

"Hey, it shows he's sentimental and stuff." Hedwig said, trying to cheer her new friend up. "He's a nice guy!"

"But I don't want a nice guy!" Flower said angrily. "I want what every woman wants: to be completely dominated with absolutely no say in the matter!"

"Well, even bad men can love their mothers, right? I wouldn't judge him if I were you."

Flower sighed. "Whatever. Hey, come to think of it…" She did a quick head count. "Holy shit… four brothers! Two are twins! Oh, hell yeah. Someone's getting train banged tonight!"

…

Flower banged her head against the window of the train, just for the sake of the joke.

"Dammit, why didn't you bring your brothers?" Flower complained to Ron as they sat in their compartment.

"They're not into eleven year olds." Ron said casually.

"Dammit. Have to change that." Flower said, pulling out her to-do list and jotting down her list of things she needed done.

To-do

Fuck Ron's Brothers and Ron at the same time.

Fuck all of their friends.

Learn magic!

Kill Harvey

Get back at Malfoy for not answering any of her letters

Fuck Malfoy again. He was a beast in bed.

Describe my past

Flower paused here, and thought back to the day when her parents were brutally murdered by Lord Voldemort (Pronounced Vol-de-mor, the T is silent. Anyone who thinks the T is part of the name is a fucktard and not a real fan) That was also the day that Flower had brutally murdered him. Flower was still scarred from that encounter. And she would be for life.

The matter of Harvey could not be ignored. Flower's twin brother who was raised amidst the fame and glory that Flower rightfully deserved was spoiled rotten, and Flower hated his guts. The encounter at the bank had been the first time they had seen each other seen they had parted ways ten years ago, but Flower knew about his antics through the newspaper.

"Hey, Flower." Ron said. "Back to Earth, pretty girl."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Okay." Flower said, jolting back awake. "Hey, can I suck your-"

Suddenly, the door slid open.

Flower turned furiously to give the bastard who disturbed her game, but her face lit up when she saw who it was.

"Oh, hi Draco." Flower said sweetly. "Who are your friends?"

"Oh, hi, baby." Draco said. "This is Goyle-" He gestured to the intelligent looking muscular boy to his right, "Crabbe-" He gestured to his other side towards a boy wearing a monocle. "And my girlfriend. Daphne Greengrass." He pointed to a girl standing behind Goyle.

"Oh." Flower blinked. "That complicates things."

"Not really." Malfoy shrugged. "We just can't do it anymore. Sorry."

"What!" Flower screamed, leaping up. "You son of a bitch!"

"You see, Flower," Daphne said lazily as she stepped forward. "As I have no personality, I-"

Flower reached out and grabbed her neck. Daphne's eyes widened as Flower squeezed the life out of her.

Flower tossed the body to the side and snorted. "What a stupid bitch. Go away Malfoy. I'm even more pissed at you right now. Flower slammed the door in his face.

"Now, where were we?" Flower asked sweetly, pressing up against Ron.

Only for the door to open again.

"Son of a bitch, leave me alone!" Flower shrieked. This time a Japanese stereotype was standing there. "Great." Flower muttered. "Now I have to kill you, too!"

"Excuse me." The girl said. Her tone pissed Flower off to no end. Her obnoxiousness was nigh unlimited. "Have you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one."

"Fuck you." Flower said bluntly and slammed the door in the girl's face. Flower jumped back on Ron, but the stupid Japanese girl opened the door again.

"You dirty racist! How dare you judge us!" Flower said indignantly. "Fuck off, you stupid fuck!"

"You're Flower Potter, aren't you?" The girl asked. "I'm Hermione Granger. I'm Japanese."

"I've noticed." Flower said dryly.

"Anyway, tell your brother to leave me the fuck alone." Hermione said. She got up and left.

"What a stupid bitch." Flower muttered.

"Hey, you lovebirds!" Hedwig screeched. "We're nearly there!"

"What!" Flower screamed, jumping out of her seat. "But we haven't…"

"No time. Come on, I'm hungry."

…

Flower stared at the Great Hall of the castle. Hundreds of cute boys in one room. If there weren't so many girls around, Flower might have thought that she was in heaven. Ah well.

Flower turned her attention back to the ugly looking hat. It was very ugly and not very pretty at all. Flower did not like it.

It had a horrible singing voice as well, and Flower was reminded of the concert where she had jumped onstage due to all the bad music and killed the lead singer, some girl named Justine.

"Sue, Mary!" The Professor lady called.

Flower groaned. It appeared that no matter what she did, Mary Sue would always be haunting her.

"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed.

Flower had been wondering which house she wanted to be in. Now she knew which house she didn't want to be in. She eyed the table draped with red and gold. It appeared to be full of Football players and Cheerleaders. Otherwise known as mindless morons.

Flower's eyes drifted to the Blue and Silver table. This table seemed to be full of nerds and Otaku freaks. Flower predicted that Harvey would end up here.

Flower looked to the last table, Green, and her eyes shot up to their roots. Slytherin was occupied by emo fucks who hate their lives for no reason. And Crabbe and Goyle, who had already been sorted. Their intelligent faces stood out against the crowd of black eyeliner and hot topic shirts.

Flower swore. Everyone from this school was a freak. No one worth sleeping with. There was really no reason to stay here.

Flower turned around to walk out, when her eyes met Ron's.

"Hey, Where you going?" He asked.

Flower's heart melted. She blushed, and turned herself around. Well, she could always leave after she slept with Ron…

"Granger, Hermione!" The Japanese girl walked up to the stool, trembling, and slowly sat down.

Flower snorted. She knew that as a race, the Japanese were evil and cruel. Flower had to admit, though, they were also excellent pokemon trainers. She resolved to defeat Hermione in her national sport, and then murder her in front of her Pokemon.

"Gryffindor!" The hat shrieked. More applause from the jocks. Flower face palmed. She knew she might have to murder everyone in the house if they were all this annoying.

"Salander, Lisbeth!" Fuck. This one was a Slytherin, that was for sure. Covered with piercings and tattoos, the tiny girl walked up to the school and sat down, a blank expression on her face.

"Ravenclaw!" The hat shrieked. The girl ignored the cheers of her new classmates as she silently handed the hat back to the lady and walked slowly toward her table.

Damn. Dudley was right. Flower was a bad judge of character. She resolved to never judge anyone she had never met before in her life that negatively again.

"Potter, Harvey!" Flower groaned as Harvey dashed onto the stage, waving and smiling at the cheering crowd. He jammed the hat eagerly unto his head.

"Gryffindor!" The hat screamed. Harvey bowed, and allowed the hat to drop to the floor amongst the loudest yet applause from the Red and Gold table.

Flower snorted. What an attention whore. She couldn't wait to show him for the phony he really was. Flower had destroyed Voldemort, dammit, and she deserved the fame and recognition!

"Ranger, Harmony!" A brunette nervously walked towards the hat.

Flower began to think of Voldemort as the hat took a long time in deciding with Harmony. Voldemort was once ranked third on the list, but Flower has destroyed him. Flower suddenly realized that her high rank was not due to destroying people she didn't like, but merely killing someone who was ranked way out of her league.

"Gryffindor!"

Flower was not sure how the ranking for the UKA worked, except it operated on a point system. The more people you killed, the more points you got. However, if you killed, say, a more powerful opponent, more points for you!

"Scamander, Rolf!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower noticed that this one was actually kind of cute. Hm… Cute boy, or no assholes to deal with? Decisions, decisions… But then, assholes tended to have lots of drugs lying around.

"Jo Rowling!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower thought she had been sorted already. Ugh, this was boring. She started fantasizing about Ron again. Oh… he would fuck her so hard…

Flower imagined being tied to Ron's bed in the middle of the boys dormitories. She was struggling and crying for help. But Ron and his friends just smirked and took her by force. Again. And again. And again!

"Kennedy, Leon!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Cayman, Jack!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Mario, Mario!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Mario, Luigi!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Aran, Samus!"

"Gryffindor!"

"McCloud, Fox!"

"Gryffindor!"

"Hyrule, Zelda!"

"Ravenclaw!"

"Dragmire, Ganondorf!"

"Slytherin!"

"No-last-name, Link!"

"Gryffindor!"

Flower noticed that most people seemed to be sorted into Gryffindor. How strange.

Flower felt herself nodding off. The Author, all these no names were so boring to watch.

"Fantasy, Final!"

"Ravenclaw!"

Flower sighed. All three of these houses seemed to suck on Sega levels. She hadn't been this bored since she made the mistake of renting Sonic: 2006.

"Malfoy, Draco!"

Flower's attention was snapped back to Earth in a hurry.

"Slytherin!"

Flower now knew where she wanted to go.

"Weasly, Ron!"

Please be Slytherin, please be Slytherin, please be-

"Gryffindor!"

"No!" Flower whispered. The only two guys she had been interested in this adventure were both in different houses! This wasn't how true love worked!

"Potter, Flower!"

"Gryffindor!"

"What?" Flower blinked. "I haven't even put on the bloody hat yet!"

No one seemed to care, of course.

Flower rolled her eyes and sat down at the Gryffindor table.

…

"Flower, I'm sorry, but I can't have sex with you." Ron said simply, as he tried to climb the stairs.

"What? No, no, no, no!" Flower said desperately, as she tried to pull him back. "I'm clean, I swear! I just got tested like, two months ago!"

"That's not it." Ron said, as he pulled away from her. "You're Harvey's sister."

"So?" Flower asked.

"So Voldemort's going to want to kill you as well." Ron clarified. "Do you really think he'll let any of Harvey's relatives live after what he did?"

"It's Harvey he has issues with, not me." Flower said dismissively. "Oh come on! Voldy's dead! There's nothing to worry about anymore!"

"Lots of people hate Harvey though." Ron pointed out.

"Oh, that's just because he's a dick." Flower said casually. "It has nothing to do with Voldemort."

"No, it's because lots of people supported the Voldemort regime. When he got his ass handed to him by a one year old kid, that made them all look like morons." Ron pointed out. "So they hate him for crushing their organization."

"Hold up." Flower frowned. "What organization?"

"The Death Eaters? Anti-Mudbloods?"

"Oh." Flower nodded. "I remember now."

"So all of their children are coming to this school to kill Harvey, and probably humiliate you. So, I can not be seen with you. Good bye."

"Wait!" Flower said desperately. Ron turned around, his eyebrow raised. "Ummm… If I become the Number One most powerful person in the world, will you do it with me?"

"Sure. Just so you know, Voldemort's ranked third." Ron said casually. "I'm looking forward to it!"

…

A/N: I WAS GOING TO WAIT FOR THE DRAMA TO UNFOLD, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALL YOU IDIOTS JUST HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LACK OF OVERALL PLOT. WELL, HERE IT IS, BITCHES.

Flower's first day at Hogwarts was extremely interesting.

Flower first went to the greenhouses, where she learned how to grow her own drugs. The teacher hinted that magic could bring forth even more potent, non-lethal drugs to the table. Flower was extremely, extremely, excited.

Next Flower went to Transforming stuff, where she learned how to transform various objects into other various objects. It was somewhat interesting, but Flower could not see how this would help her in her day to day life.

"Hey, Flower! You're a bitch! Ahahahahaahahaha!" Mary Sue cackled as she sprinted away from Flower as fast as she could.

Flower sighed. What a moron. She wasn't even worth killing anymore.

Flower walked downstairs towards the dungeons, where she would be studying potions. However, she was stopped by a trio of Slytherin girls.

"Ummm… Hi." Flower said as she looked over the three assholes in her way. "I'm in a hurry. Move."

"No one enters our dungeons without paying the toll." The Pug-faced girl said.

"Pfft. Fuck you." Flower pulled out her wand and decapitated one of the friends of the girl. The two living bullies started shivering as Flower pointed her wand at them.

"Out of my way, or you die as well."

The girl got a hold of herself as she stared Flower in the eye. "Never! Pay the toll, you ugly bitch! Or your Japanese housemate dies!"

Flower noticed for the first time that the Japanese girl Hermione was dangling by a rope from the ceiling. The only thing preventing her from strangulation was a barrel that the tips of her toes barely tapped.

"Kill one of us, she dies. Pass without the paying the toll, she dies." The girl said, glee in her voice. "Well? What will it be?"

Flower raised her wand and the rope cut itself in two pieces. Hermione landed on the barrel, and slammed into the ground gasping for air.

The Slytherin girls, however, were not pleased.

"No! No! Please, don't kill me!"

"Please! I'll never do it again!"

Flower ignored them both as she slammed their heads together, splitting their skulls clean open and emptying their brains all over the concrete.

"Great. You got my robes bloody, too." Flower sighed. "How lame."

Potions was interesting. The teacher took special care in teaching Flower what ingredients were what. Flower was a horrible cook, so she appreciated the extra help.

Flower sighed as she walked back to her dormitory. Flower had to admit, as she had never studied magic before, she was almost as far behind as everyone else. She would have to cut back on the drugs if she were to get ahead.

Flower walked downstairs to the common room, running her brush through her lush hair.

"Oh, Hi Neville." Flower said cheerfully. "What's up?"

Neville Longbottom had his laptop open in his new favorite chair. He was propped against it, a scowl on his face.

"I'm attacking stories on Fanfiction dot net that are vastly superior to my own to compensate for the fact that I have an extremely small penis."

"Oh." Flower said, her smile fading. "I'll just go over here…"

For some reason, Ron and the Japanese girl were having a heated argument in the corner.

"I'm telling you, Sushi is far healthier then Pizza." Hermione said, her eyes brimming with fire. "Look at Japan: Highest amount of centurions in the world."

"Oh, most of those guys aren't even alive." Ron said dismissively. "Apparently the Japanese government pays people to congratulate them on their one hundredth year, and being the scum that they are, the Japanese like to pretend their older relatives were still alive, so they could collect the money."

"Ron wins the argument, because he's not a Japanese twit." Flower said, as she sat down next to Ron. "Fuck off, you racist asian prick."

Hermione sniffed and raised her nose skyward. "Oh, I see how it is." She leapt up and flounced off.

Flower rounded on Ron. "What the hell are you doing, you stupid fuck!" She screeched. "We haven't even done it yet, and yet you are already cheating on me!"

Ron lazily looked Flower in the eyes. "Okay, first of all:" He began as he held up his index finger. "We are not dating. Second of all," He raised his middle finger. "I am not interested in you, Thirdly," He lowered his index. He kept his remaining finger pointing upwards, right in front of Flower's nose. He went back to his book.

Flower began to see red. How dare this boy refuse her advances? Anyone else would have fucked by now, but no, this asshole just had to so fucking worried about the goddamn future!

Flower needed to go outside to get a breath of fresh air. Pushing past Ron, she dived out the window. Flower closed her eyes as she began her inevitable journey to meet the ground.

Except she didn't.

Before Flower could crash into the ground 3 miles below, a girl appeared below her. This girl slowly rotated her fist upwards, and waited.

As all of you fuckwads are moronic twelve year olds, you have obviously never been in a Physics course. As you do not understand the complicated science behind motion, let's just say that the long drop, powered by gravity, and the sudden stop would hurt like a bitch.

However, magic in this universe appears to have no internal consistency whatsoever, which essentially means that Flower can ignore the laws of physics just because she has magical powers.

Flower waved her wand and slowed her descent to a crawl. Then she adjusted her angle to get away from the girl's upturned fist. Flower glared at her as she lowered her legs to come in contact with the ground.

"Hello, Flower." The girl said pleasantly. "I hope you had a nice trip down?"

"It was fine, thanks." Flower said, not bothering to conceal the venom in her words. "Who the fuck are you?"

"My name is Megagamer200'smuse123. I'm the reason your first couple of chapters sucked!"

"You bitch!" Flower blurted out, although she was not entirely sure what chapters were.

Flower knew that chapters had something to do with the power of her almighty God. Flower was not quite sure what that might be, but as Flower believed in her God absolutely, she would resort to violence to ensure that He remained at full strength. Flower did not understand how her God thought at all, but surely she was doing the right thing.

Flower got into her fighting stance and eyed the girl warily. The Muse chuckled.

"Oh. You want to fight me?" She said, eyeing Flower's fists. "You do realize that if I die, the Author will simply lose what little will he has left to write?"

"I think the Author likes writing whether or not you have anything to do with it." Flower said coldly.

"Perhaps." The muse said airily. "But you see, without me, his story would become far less… inspired."

Flower narrowed her eyes.

"What I mean is," The muse went on. "Is that sometimes the author feels as if something was a good idea, and he sat down and wrote it… and it turned out horribly."

Flower was not sure what made her say it, but the words were coming out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Like those old Naruto fanfics?"

"Indeed." The Muse said, completely unperturbed by Flower's knowledge of her host. "Yes, those old pieces of trash were written for no reason other than the fact that the Author had no friends at the time."

'No… Friends?" Flower privately wondered why such an all powerful deity needed something as human as friends. "So he has friends now?"

"Not really." The muse said, shaking her head. "He's come to terms with who he is, and has realized that he generally hates people. But…" She smiled. "He likes to make up stories."

"Stories?" Flower repeated.

The Muse nodded. "You see, Flower. You are nothing more than a character in a story. You are not real."

Flower froze.

"I'm not shocked at all." Flower muttered. "Why am I not shocked?"

"You've known this in your heart since you were born, Flower." The Muse said. "Which was about… three months ago, maybe?"

"I'm not real." Flower repeated. She turned to the muse. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, my dear, you, quite frankly, suck." The Muse said smoothly.

"Huh?"

"The Author was going to write this epic one hundred chapter bonanza mocking the entire concept of fanfiction, but you just had to go and ruin it by being annoying as fuck."

"Fucks aren't annoying." Flower muttered. "I thought I was being funny."

"You aren't, Flower. I'm here to tell you that the Author is shortening your story to maybe ten more chapters. If you don't pull yourself out of your rut, then the Author is going to kill you."

"What?" Flower said in alarm. "I'm going to die?"

"Yes." The Muse nodded. "Ten more chapters, Flower. If you don't get more than a thousand reviews, you're going to die."

"I'm really going to die." Flower whispered.

"Hmmm… I think that's all." The muse said. "No wait, I forgot something."

"What is it now?" Flower asked.

"The next ten chapters will be of utmost quality. They will be longer, and much more detailed then the garbage you've been going through. However, we must rush the story quickly. There will be lots of time skipping involved."

"Oh. That's nice. So I get to kill Harvey and Hermione sooner?"

"… Events will transpire much more quickly, yes."

"Alright!" Flower nodded. "I'm going to make the author proud! The first thing I'm going to do with the new me…"

Flower grabbed the muse and shoved her head into the lake. The muse screamed as her lungs filled with water, and she drowned.

"It was your fault this story sucks, not mine." Flower said casually, as she threw the body out to the squid. "I'm going to do my best from now on. That's a promise."

Next time, on the Girl who Loved...

Ginny Weasley dies of STD'S!

Lupin and Sirius get married!

Flower discovers that she's pregnant!

Hermione commits suicide, because no one likes her!

Flower was barrelling down the highway at Supersonic speeds towards her target. Her Motorbike, The Dog Star, was roaring like a lion. Flower itself had donned her skimpiest outfit, complete with mini skirt, laces, and ballet shoes. Flower's bright pink sunglasses hid her eyes, which were unfocused and unwavering.

The Club was getting bigger. Flower hit the accelerator and slammed into the door full speed, shattering it into a bazillion pieces. A man screamed as large piece of wood slammed straight into his skull, piercing it and causing severe brain damage.

Flower had been going too fast. She caught a brief glimpse of a fountain and some men running towards her with guns. Thinking fast, she shifted the bike's wheels toward the fountain, the bike went careening into the fountain splashing water in every which direction.

Using the force to throw herself into the air, Flower gracefully flew through the air and landed right behind the guards.

"Fuckheads!" She snarled. Their heads exploded, showering the room with blood. Flower licked the red stuff on her lip with relish as she turned around and faced her next challenge: Another door.

Flower pulled out her katana, and, adjusting it accordingly, used it to slice through the door. Flower raised her hand up and knocked, and the door flew off it's hinges.

Flower grinned as she looked up at through the screen, right at you.

"Hey." She said playfully. "Know any cute guys?"

Flower adjusted her sunglasses as she returned her focus to the room.

"Okay... where is that asshole?" Flower said aloud. The room was not the stadium that the agent had promised her. It was simply a sparsely decorated room, filled with uncomfortble looking chairs. A lobby maybe?

Flower walked across the room, and opened the opposing door.

A couple dozen of clowns were standing near the end of the hallway. They stopped and stared at her.

"Ummm... Hi." Flower said. She had an intense dislike of clowns ever since she had gone vacationing with her family when she was six. They had gone to a town in Maine called Derry, and Flower had wandered off in search of cute boys. However, she had come across a rather odd clown with bright blue eyes who told her that all the little boys had gone to the circus. Flower immediatly demanded to know where the circus was, but the clown had just smiled and told her to take his hand. Flower unwittingly did so, and the Clown transformed into a hideous monster. It still had arms, though, so Flower ripped them off and tried to beat it with them. However, it simply transformed again into a giant bird. Flower had no idea what kind of beast it was, so she wasn't sure if she could kill. She opted to run away and research what it was. She never found the answer to what the beast was, but she was sure it was still hiding in that small town.

Flower had gone back to that town once on her own. She did not see the beast again. Indeed, that trip was very unmemorable. Except for that odd urge for graffiti. Flower had once scribbled

Pennywise lives

into some stone, somewhere in the city. Flower was not sure why that memory haunted her so. Perhaps it was due to the fact that she had no idea what a Pennywise was.

Flower was sure the monster had not forgotten the encounter, and had been anxious for years for them to meet again and fight. However, the childhood trauma of meeting a clown monster made her somewhat less then her usual, bold, self.

"Ummm... Hi." Flower repeated. "Ummm... I'm looking for a Mr. Spectacle."

The Clowns began moving again. They organized into a single file line and began jumping into their little car, one by one. When the last one had entered, the car started zipping away.

"Oh. Thanks a lot, guys." Flower muttered. "Cocksuckers." She muttered under her breath.

The Car made it to the opposite wall and began driving up it. Just like a Cars version of Spider-man. It was on the ceiling now, headed towards Flower.

Flower looked up as the car came to a screeching halt a few inches above her head. A few seconds passed, and the the door opened and a clown jumped out, his perment smile etched onto his face, as he raised a Shurikan.

Flower raised her katana and prepared for the blow. The Clown threw the star and Flower knocked it out of the air. However, the Clown was still dropping. Raising his sword, he dropped onto Flower. Flower slashed him in half before he hit the ground, but she had no time to celebrate her kill. Already, another ninja clown was coming down on her, and another.

Flower gritted her teeth as she slashed the first in half, then grabbed the another throwing star out of the air and threw it back. The star made a satisfying groan emit from soon to be dead clown.

Flower removed her wand from the strap on her leg and transfigured the car into a pinata. Raising her sword, she slashed through the foil. Many screams ensued, and the Pinata burst, showering Flower in a fountain of blood.

Flower had not been this elated since the time that Harvey had competed in Battle Royale. She had been watching kids murder each other on television, and wondering when her twin brother was going to buy it.

Unfortunatly, the girl she had been rooting for (Flower did not remember her name... Ebony... Tara... Gilesbie... Way?) was killed by Riku (No last name) who was a complete and total asswipe. He just wanted to kill people so the girl he liked back home would do it with him.

It was down to the two of them, Harvey and Riku, and Riku was such a fuckwad he started a monolouge of why he's so great when he was holding a grenade with the pin pulled. Harvey, despite the fact that he had not killed anyone for the entire game, was declared the victor, much to the chagrin of all the intense combat fans.

That Battle Royale was only one of the reasons why Flower hated her brother so much. Among those reasons were

A. He's a prick.

B. He's a wimp.

C. He's a Weakling.

D. HE TAKES CREDIT FOR FAMOUS PEOPLE I KILL.

D was the main reason, pretty much. Everytime Flower killed someone trying to threaten the world, or something, Harvey, always, always, always, ended up with credit. It was kind of annoying. However, Flower knew that guys hated badass amazon chicks, so maybe this was a blessing in disguise... she knew for certain that Harvey wasn't getting any.

Flower had walked for a while but had not seen any more ninja clowns. She was wondering where to go next, but then suddenly, her phone rang.

Flower frowned. She pulled her phone out and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey, Flower. It's me." Great. The fucking agent again. "I just wanted to make sure you knew where to go. Number Ten is waiting for you inside Those huge doors."

Flower looked to her right. They were right there. Well damn.

"Anyway, if there's anything you have to do... Brush your teeth, go to the bathroom, save your game... well, what I mean is, there's a bathroom over there. But still, your first big ten fight! Are you excited? I've read your profile. I know how much you love this stuff."

Flower didn't answer.

"Anyway, I calculate that you have roughly... fourty percent chance of making it out of here alive. I know it seems kind of low, but really, the odds are not that long."

Forty percent chance of survival. Flower could feel her heart starting to speed up. She was getting excited.

"Well, I'm not really allowed to inform you of the identity of your opponent or his fighting style, but I will say this: you can't win if you don't fight, okay?"

Thank you, captain obvious.

"Trust your force. And head for the Garden of madness."

The line clicked off. He had hung up. Flower sighed, as she sheathed her katana and opened the gigantic doors.

Another hallway. As Flower walked through it, she could hundreds of laughs.

"A comedic routine? Now?" Flower wondered. She pressed on. The Laughs began to get louder, and Flower began to notice an odd quality to them.

Ha.

Hahaha.

Hahahahahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ha. Hahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Every single person in the audience was laughing the exact same laugh at the exact same time.

Flower opened the last door, and entered the arena.

The place was gigantic. Dining tables. A stage. A Balcony with a great view. It took Flower a few minutes to realize what was wrong.

"Seriously, Folks, You people are just like this Purple llama I ran into last week. It was riding a scooter, and I tripped and slammed into it. We got up, looked at each other, and started laughing!"

. The 'audience' chortled. But Flower could see there was no audience in sight. Instead, Cardboard cutouts of well dressed, influential people were sitting in place by tables. The Supreme President of the American Continents was sitting there, with his five wives. At another table, The Major, the man who was arguably the real power in the Americas at the moment, was sitting by himself, gazing at the man on the stage with a rapt, undying (because it was never really living) attention.

Flower moved through the hall, staring at the cutouts of people she had seen on television. Some she recognized, most she didn't. There was Leon S. Kennedy. He had single handedly destroyed a corporations plans to use Zombies to take over the world. Over there Princess Miciaiah, War hero of the Daeian. She had liberated it from the neighboring empire of Begnion.

Flower nearly had a heart attack as she noticed, that sitting there near the stage was none other then her brother, Harvey Potter. The Cutout was not very convincing. Harvey was not smiling that stupid smile, nor was he staring lecherously at Hermione Granger, the nerdy Japanese girl. He was simply sitting there, staring at the stage.

The loud speakers were still blaring out the HA. HA. Ha's. Flower was getting annoyed.

She looked at Harvey's table again. Yep. Just as she thought. There were her parents, Lily and James Potter. sitting on either side of their favorite son, never looking away from the stage.

Other people were sitting at the table as well. There was a man Flower knew as Wormtail, who was apparently a complete badass. He had destroyed the traitor, Sirius Black, with one flick of his wand and was now become a favorite for Minister of Magic.

Next to Wormtail, was Flower's favorite family friend, Lupin. He was the only one involved with Harvey who actually took the time to check up on Flower now and again. He even sent nice presents, even if most of them were Sirius Black's old belongings that Lupin had stolen from his house.

Sitting on the end of the table, was the mysterious, reclusive headmaster. Albus Dumbledore. Flower did not know much about him, except he was apparently a complete fuck.

The laughing stopped.

"Hey, hey, hey, kid!" The man on the stage said. "Step away from the celebrity, comrade!"

The laughing started up again, but subsided almost immediatly.

"Seriously, though." The man said, removing the microphone from his face and walking towards Flower with a frown. "I mean, really. You're number eleven?"

"That's right." Flower said cheerfully.

"Wow." Mr. Spectacle said, as he looked her over. "I guess I must be working too hard. What, they're sending kids in after me now? How old are you, kid?"

Flower huffed. "My name is Flower Crysthanum Severus Eileen Petunia Potter, and you will refer to me as such. I'm eleven, if you must know."

"Well, Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess." Spectacle said. He tapped a button on his microphone. The Crowd broke out laughing sporadically again. "I'm just, you know, surprised you're a killer and all. You seem like a nice kid."

"I like doing this." Flower said simply.

"Really?" Spectacle said, doubt creeping into his voice. "Uh... what do you like about it?"

"Oh, I love the pain." Flower said enthusitically, a bright smile on her face. "I love the feeling a get when I'm about to kill someone, and I'm exchausted, and can barely fight, but I somehow push through! I mean, It's just really, really, fun."

"Huh." Spectacle said, eyeing Flower warily. "Well, I suppose I understand. But... why are you dressed like a thirteen year old on Halloween? In other words, a 'Hooker."

Laughter. Flower's temper flared. "Oh please. I never, never, accept money after sex. It just feels so... wrong."

"Wow. Lookee here." Spectacle said, grabbing the microphone again. "A Ten year virginless kid. Let's worship her... By eating her flesh sprinkled with tariachi sauce and recycled newspaper clippings!"

Laughter. Flower was beggining to lose it. "What... the hell... are you doing?"

"Oh, you see, my precious little hooker-kid, I am doing what I do best: Being comedy's sex object, bitch!"

This time, the crowd cheered.

"I'm a stud, christened, Hardrockcock of Hyrule, by the Three Goddesses! I had sex with all three! And had children with all of them! Then we put on a puppet show using the children to kill each other for centuries! It was the best sex I ever had, that's for sure."

"Best sex you never had." Flower muttered.

"Ohohohohohoho! And you would know, now wouldn't you? You lost your virginity to an ice cream scoop, now admit it!"

"What's that even supposed to mean?" Flower demanded. "That's it. Enough talk."

She pulled out her blade.

"You're going to die here, Mr. Funny. Then I'm going to take that Microphone and make sure everyone is laughing at you before you pass on."

Spectacle laughed. "Oh, you stupid kid. Look, listen, I've killed some of the greatest killers in the world. I've been making my jokes and stories here for years, and every single time, the person who has come to challenge me has died. What makes you so different."

"I'm the Girl who Loves." Flower said. "I'm fighting for someone I really, really, want to do, and I want stop till I get to Number One."

"That has to be the most pathetic thing I have ever heard."

"What about you?" Flower pressed. "Doesn't this mean so much to you? Making your stupid jokes and pretending to have celebrities think you're funny?"

Spectacle's face changed. It changed from good humor to vicious in an instant.

"I have my reasons. Now, allow me to rock you... Like a pregnant cow with a jellyfish jar."

"Dude, before I kill you. I just want you to know. You're not funny."

FIght!

Flower dashed towards Ten, and attempted to stab him with her sword. However, he reached behind his back and pulled out a giant mallet. Using this to block Flower's blow, he raised a hand above Flower's head.

Flower glanced up, and barely got away in time. An anvil lay where she was standing, right where she was standing a few moments before.

Flower had barely put her mind back on the fight before she was buffeted by a purple llama. Crashing to the ground, Flower tried hurriedly to get back on her feet.

Spectacle sat there, enjoying the show, hammer in hand, as he watched Flower get to her feet.

"You see, kid, I'm an artist." He drawled. "I loved cartoons as a kid, and I always tried to incoporate their humor into my routine. However... that sort of thing only seems to work in fights, as you so aptly pointed out."

Flower touched her cheek with her left hand. It was bruised. Flower could not even remember the last time she had even been scratched in a fight.

She was starting to get excited.

Flower dashed towards Spectacle again, but he just sidestepped and knocked her to the ground by throwing a broken dishwasher at her.

Flower didn't move.

"Wow. Over already. Too bad." Spectacle said, shaking his head in mock sorrow. "Oh, how the youth waste their lives trying to have sex with someone who's just not interes-"

Flower lashed out, grabbing her sword and slashing Spectacles legs off. He screeched as he fell to the ground.

Flower reached into her pocket and pulled out a carrot. She nibbled daintily, as she eyed her victim, a hungry look in her eyes. "Eh. What's up, cock?"

He didn't move.

"Dead of bloodloss, already? What a bitch." Flower said, shaking her head.

Then a Peanut Butter jar smacked her in the head.

"Ow!" Flower screeched. Instinctively, she whirled around to face her attacker... Only to be smacked in the torso by Spectacle.

Flower fell over, grasping her side, as Spectacle struggled to come up with a reliable method of movement. He struggled to right himself, and then gave himself made of parrots that squawked profanity when he steppen on them.

"Bitch! Fuck! Cunt!" THe Parrots wailed as Spectacle walked towards Flower, who had stood up as well.

"Well, well, well. You can take quite a hit." Spectacle said. "But you see, you're simply not good enough to kill me. Everything I can dream up, whether or not it makes sense, immediatly comes true. I can not be stopped. You might as well give up."

"What's 'give up' even mean?" Flower protested. "I swear, I tried to look for it on urban dictionary, but I couldn't find it! Is it like a bomb, that you would strap to yourself to try to kill your opponent?"

"No." Sepctacle said. "It's not a bomb. It is simply accepting the inevitable. That you are going to get your ass kicked by a middle aged man-"

Boom.

Flower hit the floor as Spectacle exploded. Pieces of him flew everywhere.

Flower stood up, dusted herseld off, and then hurriedly tried to clean her sunglasses.

"Oh, haha. Everything you think up." FLower muttered. "My god, you are such an Anime villian! Giving away your weaknesses like that..."

Shaking her head, Flower went over the fight in her mind. Too be honest, she had almost lost, but was still disappointed. What fun was fighting a difficult opponent if they had one really obvious and vulnerable weakness? It defeated the whole point of fighting.

A clapping sound vetebrated through the hall.

Flower's eyes went for the door, but it was not there where the sound was coming from. It was from behind the curtain.

The figure stepped out of the shadows, still clapping politely. "Ah, Flower. Brilliant, brilliant, fight I must say. Rather, I was very impressed with you."

"Oh. It's you." Flower said stiffly. "Hello Rolf."

Scamander ignored Flower's greetings and went on with his praise. "I say, you need to train a little harder before next time if you want to keep working your way up. Number ten is a nice spot, but I know you want to do better."

Flower nodded. "When do I fight again?"

Rolf's face fell. "Oh. yeah. Ummm... About that... The child labor laws fucked us up. You can't fight again until next year."

Flower's jaw dropped. "What! No!"

Rolf nodded. "Yeah, it sucks, but I kind of think this is a good thing. You see, the new eleven won't be able to challenge you, personnally, until next year. So if you train really hard and win a fight every year until you're seventeen... why, you could be number three and not have fought a single contender for your spot."

Flower thought about this for a second. This fight was hard. She certainly did need more training. Finally, she nodded. "Okay. Okay. You win. Once a year."

"Cool. Hey, I have my Flying Carpet. I'll take you back to school, and you can tell all your friends how fun this is, and how they should started killing people too."

"There not really into this stuff. But I'll try."

Yet it was not meant to be.

...

The following year went by in a flurry. Flower met new boys, and fucked them, and killed and ate more than one for failing to satisfy her. The world truly was wonderful, she thought happily, as she ran through the third floor corridor.

"Hello, Professor Quirrell!" She said cheerfully, as she walked up behind him. "So you know about old Fluffy-wuffles too?"

He whirled around. "Oh, it's you, Flower." He said. He gave her a soft smile. "You surprised me there."

"You're such a fucking pussy, Quirrel." Flower laughed, as she playfully pushed him from behind. "What are you doing in here?"

"Prayer, to my Lord and Savior... The Methods of Rationality."

"The... what now?"

"The Methods of Rationality." Quirrell explained patiently, as he turned away from her. "Everyone in this world can be explained by science. Did you know that?"

"No." Flower said shortly. "Hey, Professor... I was wondering if you would let me sit next to Ron this term..."

"There is no reason why human behavior cannot be manipulated, improved, controlled." He continued on, as if she had never spoken. "Humanity got to where it was by studying the world around them."

Flower yawned, attempting to make her discomfort with the situation clear. "Um. I'm not in trouble, am I...?"

"Moral humans have no need for excess food, material goods, or anything of that nature. Science will lead us to everlasting life."

Flower wrinkled her nose. She was starting to get a headache.

"We must destroy all of those who oppose us." Quirrel said softly. "They are bigots. Losers. Ignoramuses. Trolls." His voice was risen to a shout. "I don't need proof! Science will lead us to salvation!"

"Yeah, whatever." Flower said dismissively. She wondered what it would feel like to rip a man's head off before she had her way with him.

"Look at my elaborately detailed plan!" He said suddenly, procuring a large book. "Look at all these people, scribbling at the bottom? They think I'm a genius!" He seemed immensely proud of himself.

Flower looked over at Fluffy. And back at Quirrel. And then back at Fluffy.

"Do you want to donate for my cause?" He asked sincerely, as he smiled down at her. "I promise you, I will make this world a better place. All you need to do is spend an exorbiant amount of time perusing my extraordinarily bullshit excuse for a fanfiction disguising itself as a legitimate philosophical journey, by sending me lots and lots of money."

"Uh, sorry, bro." Flower said coolly. "But I need money for all of my drugs."

He hissed. "You're just like all the rest. Women are all the same."

She laughed, despite herself. "I think you would find that I am very, very, unusual woman, Lord Voldemort." She said. She reached for the sword at her side, looking up at him, steel in her eyes. "The third strongest man in the world."

He laughed. "How long have you known that I am very closely assiocated with Lord Voldemort?"

"Ever since you started chanting his name in the middle of class yesterday." She informed him. "I am quite the dee-tect-tive, you see." She was extremely pleased with herself, her blood already boiling.

"Are you seriously going to fight me here?" He asked her, spreading his arms wide. "I only have one goal here... to revive my lord. Do you not wish to test your strength?"

Flower gripped her blade more tightly. "Revive?" She questioned. "What do you mean?"

"Patience." He scolded. He turned to face her again. "Do you not remember the day My Lord did battle with you?"

"Of course I do." Flower remembered the day, over ten years ago now. "I punched him in the nose, and now he doesn't have one."

"Even then, your powers were remarkable." He said. He was clearly taunting her. "It was not enough to destroy him, of course... it was your brother that did that."

She scowled. "That's not true!" She insisted. "Harvey was in the corner, crying. Like a little bitch."

"Your brother is far, far more powerful than you, Flower." He spoke. "As am I." He reached behind himself, and removed the Philosophers Stone from his pocket!

(A/N: Okay, I know a lot of you guys are uneducated, being Americans and all, so I think I may have to explain this. You see, J.K. Rowling isn't a complete hack. She has quite the basic knowledge of ancient alchemy and other such things. In the original, correct British language, The Sorcerors' Stone was called The Philosopher's Stone, because that's what that it is. However, Americans are too stupid and fixated on celebrity sex tapes to care about such history, and so Jo allowed her publishers to change it. Like a bitch.)

Flower's eyes bugged out. "Oooooooh." She cooed. "It's so pretty..." She reached out as if she were going to smash it to pieces, But Quirrell instead gave it to Lord Voldemort.

Some things happened, and then Flower found herself lying in a heap on her back, her sore muscles aching.

"Son of a bitch!" She cursed. "Double teaming me?" She gave a soft groan of pain as she got up, looking over herself in the mirror. Quirrell had not held back... every inch of her body was battered and bruised in their incredible fight.

Hermione came in the room.

"What the hell are you doing here, you Japanese motherfucker?" Flower demanded, as she limped across the room.

"I came to visit!" Hermione said brightly, as she handed her a bouquet. "I made this for you..."

Flower sneezed. "Whatever. Where's Quirrell?"

She suddenly became somber. "No one knows..."

The Girl Who Loved cast her gaze over the battlefield. "Wow. We really fucked up the castle, huh?"

Hermione forced a laugh. "We're not exactly safe her anymore either. Death Eaters are among us..."

"I don't care about them." Flower said shortly. "I just want to kill Squirrel."

"How about training in the depths of space, like in Dragon Ball Z?"

"Great idea." Flower said, nodding. "I need a better workout regimen.

_And so, her first year at Hogwarts ove,r Flower set her eyes to the only place that could possibly pose a challenge for her... the stars. Building an elaborate spaceship made out of cardboard boxes and unused Playstation Vita's, she was off... exploring new worlds, fighting great evils... all for the Greater Good. _

_To be continued...?_


End file.
